SHARE THIS SHOW:
ON THE BLOG:
RELATED CONVERSATIONS:
RECENTLY ON TOL:
TOL Our Town
- A tumblr site dedicated to the people and places that make up Oregon and Southwest Washington.
TAGS:
On February 12th an off-duty sergeant walked into the M & M Lounge and Restaurant in Gresham and shot and killed his wife, two of her friends, and, ultimately, himself. To my count this was the eighth murder-suicide in Oregon and Southwest Washington since November. At the same time the headlines are filled with other stories detailing domestic abuse. Oregon football player LaMichael James was arrested for grabbing his girlfriend around her neck and throwing her to the ground in a parking lot. An Oregon assistant attorney general, Susan Gerber, was accused of punching and strangling her longtime partner. And Milwaukie detective Thomas Garrett was accused of assault in the presence of children.
Why are there so many cases of domestic violence in the news right now? Is it, in part, because of the economy? What is driving people to hurt others in this way?
Local experts stress that more people do not abuse because of a bad economy. But they do admit that people who do abuse, or who have abusive tendencies, might be more inclined to violence when they lose their job or their money gets tight. Limited financial resources can also hinder people from leaving abusive situations. Abuse, therefore, can become more lethal when times are tough.
Do you see that correlation? What's your response to the many stories of domestic violence in the news? How does the recession affect the way you, or your family members or friends, act? Are you a person who has suffered from abuse? Or who has a history of abusing? How have you seen the economy affect your actions?
Editor's Note: If you, or anyone you know, is a victim of domestic violence please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).
GUESTS:
- Lanette Fidrych: survived her mother being murdered by her father. (This was a pre-recorded interview. Here is a longer version of her story.)
- Chiquita Rollins: Domestic Violence Coordinator for Multnomah County
- Chris Huffine: Licensed psychologist and the clinical director of Allies in Change Counseling Center
- Martha Strawn Morris: Director of the new Gateway Center for Domestic Violence Services (scheduled to open later this spring)
Tagged as: abuse · family · violence
Photo credit: European Parliament / Creative Commons
-
Hello,
I am totally agreed with the comment above..the opb website is really nice and useful for visitors like me...Thanks for the post.
Pharmacy Technician
-
There comes noew the responsibility of people around such victims. These masses have responsibility as they may affect lives of such victims in one way or another. pewter tankards
-
I am totally agreed with the comment above
http://edta-eddha.weebly.com/ http://edtaeddha.webs.com/ http://helpgodme.nettisivu.org/ -
Agree with this a lot, it makes a lot of sense, good article though, shame about some of the negative things that happen,
Wholesale Glass Pipes
-
Just to add that anybody who experiences anything like this should defintiely call that line above,
SEO Consultant - UK.
-
Economic stress does not cause domestic violence. Offenders choose violence as a way to establish a sense of control in their life. Domestic violence is costing taxpayers and businesses money – a lot of money. This fact is worth looking at and addressing in these difficult economic times.
The Oregon Dept. of Human Services found in less than two years domestic assaults cost $50 million. Close to half of the cost of medical and mental health care is paid for out of public funds. We don’t have accurate calculations of how many millions of dollars businesses lose each year due to lost wages and reduced productivity resulting from employees living with violence in their home.
Investing in programs that reduce violence by raising awareness and developing skills to effectively respond to and prevent aggression makes good economic sense. This is exactly what professional, high quality self-defense training accomplishes. Funding self-defense training in our businesses and schools is an affordable, effective, approach to addressing the economic impact of domestic violence, and it will create safer homes, communities, and places of work.
Katherine White / Self-Defense Program Coordinator at One With Heart Tulen Center: onewithheart.com
-
Without a doubt this comment gives a good chunk of information, think out loud is great tho, nice site where everyone can literall think out loud and give their views, car tracking
vehicle tracking
tracking device
gps tracking
vehicle tracker
gps tracking device -
Contrary to recent headlines, new stories, interviews, and conversations, domestic violence is not caused by or heightened during times of economic hardship. Domestic violence is a choice and though many factors may influence it, they most certainly do not cause it.
So why all the hype? With 14 women and children murdered at the hands of an abuser recently, we all want the easy answer to make us feel better and disconnect ourselves from the harsh reality of domestic violence. Surely with a bad economy being the most obvious problem coinciding with these murders, this should be the cause. But how can that explain an abuser who had been abusing his wife for decades prior to our economic downfall? How does that explain an abuser who continues abusing after he’s found a job and their bills are paid? How can that explain domestic violence shelter programs in existence for 35 plus years? How does it explain the millions of other people in the same economy who choose not to abuse?
The answer is simple. Abusers look for an excuse that people will believe (currently the economy), and when people stop believing or become suspicious, they change their story (the previous popular excuse with abusers was Methamphetamines). Some of the most common excuses are a bad childhood, drugs and alcohol, stress, a bad temper or short fuse, rage, and mental illness. Whatever you as an individual, agency, family member, or friend will believe, that’s the excuse the abuser will tell you or try to portray as the cause of their behavior. In fact it’s very common for an abuser to have multiple excuses. He’ll tell his wife the cause is stress, his family that it’s his bad temper, his probation officer that it’s alcohol, and the judge that it’s because he witnessed abuse in his childhood. It’s always something other than their choice to be violent. Many difficult experiences can affect anyone, but they do not cause the choices we make nor make us abusers, and frankly with an abuser, you never know what to believe anyway since they are experts in the art of lying.
-
There's an awful lot of equating "abuser" with men in that post. Be careful doing that...
2006 Study in the Journal of Family Psychology (women initiate violence 33% more often than men).
2007 Summary of a 2001 CDC Study in Psychiatric News (women initiate violence more than twice as often as men among 18-28 year-olds.)
MUSC Fact Sheet on Lesbian violence.
-
Emily,
Just to clarify... I'm not saying women are worse than men and I am not trying to "degenderfy" the issue.
What I am doing is pointing out that there seems to be a lot of evidence coming out that things are not what they seem and that focusing so much on men as abusers may be ignoring possibly much wider issues.
-
Another thing that flew over my head at first...
The guests dismissed the studies to which I linked by saying the studies ignored the context.
Well, the MUSC Fact Sheet on violence in Lesbian relationships shows that the rate of violence is similar to heterosexual relationships. Another study listed in the Wikipedia article on domestic violence found a higher incidence of violence in Lesbian relationships versus heterosexual relationships.
What context is missing in those reports?
-
Continued...
Now are we saying the economy has absolutely no affect on domestic violence? Not exactly, when you consider the victims. Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service hasn’t had a sudden increase in the number of women and families in shelter since the economic crisis, but the average length of shelter stay has increased. Jobs, financial assistance, housing, and many other resources necessary for safety and self-sufficiency are scarce these days. Once they are in shelter, women are staying longer than usual and if they haven’t had a safe opportunity to leave yet, you can guarantee their abuser is saying things like “go ahead and leave, but how are you going to get a job, pay your bills, and find a place to live?”. These kinds of comments are affective tools added to their many other threats, manipulations, and dangers that leave no other choice but for women to stay.
By no means are we down playing the increase in domestic violence homicides recently. These are horrible, devastating crimes that deserve the attention to raise awareness of a historic and ongoing issue affecting 1 in 4 women in their lifetime. Even more devastating is the fact that these crimes are preventable. Domestic violence could end this very second, if abusers decided to make a different choice. They are completely capable of doing so, yet the vast majority do not since it gets them what they want (power and control) and their excuses still work. In the meantime, our communities can send a powerful message that survivors will be supported, abusers held accountable, and victims remembered.
-
The domestic violence examples you site have nothing to do with the economy. If you wish to have a meaningful discussion of domestic violence, you should have an indepth show about the Family Abuse Protection Act, ORS 107.700 et sec. The law in Oregon, and the laws in most other states are poorly written and do not address several subjects which are important. In addition, many people think these laws actually protect people. They do not. They are simply an additional charge to add should the restraining order be violated. These laws can be used to severely damage, financially and emotionally, honest people who are falsely accused of domestic violence. Two groups, and perhaps others, are working to fix these laws and their effects. They are Fathers and Families and R.A.D.A.R. – Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting.
I have found that lawmakers do not want to discuss this law. Many people who support this law have never read the law and do not know what it says or how it is used. Many do not want to review or revise this law because they believe they will lose what they have to protect victims of domestic violence, even though the law does not protect anyone.
I hope you will do a show about this law in the near future.
-
Economic hard times can be stressful, but there are unemployed people in good economic times and bad economic times.
In my experience, families that I have known go through eco-stress have drawn closer together and have found faith and friendships that help them weather the hard times.
Surely violence in society is a problem, but we need more than anecdotal tales here. What is the correletion for headline-making crimes and good economies?
The danger in using the tough economy as a "reason" to expect criminal behavior is that is morphs into a view of people in poverty as soon-to-be criminals. I do not think that is true.
-
I'm astonished that the Portland area can have so many deaths and people not be up in arms. If these deaths were under any other circumstances, other than domestic violence against women, the city would be in an uproar (as it should). Why do we tolerate violence against women? Why are people not out in the streets demanding an end to these kinds of tragedies and violence? No doubt part of the answer to those questions are also part of the reason we have domestic violence.
-
Though certainly no expert, I did grow up in a violent home and bear physical scars from it, and it seems to me to be a no-brainer: more stress always increases violence, especially in a home situation. Wouldn't it be easy to ask the people who are abused, if it gets worse when the money is tight or gone? Duh.
-
Maybe there is nothing wrong?
http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/ipvus.pdf
I'll believe a downward trend over 12 years is a signal that things are getting better before I will believe a slight, perceived uptick over a couple of months is a signal that something is wrong.
Even rape, assault, and robbery among intimate partners were down 66% over that 12 years.
As for Chiquita Rollins' claim about video games: get off it. There is still no evidence that video games cause any sort of violence. It is still just as likely that the only correlation is that violent people play violent games.
-
All children are abusers, and they learn by meeting others who do not allow it. If they do not meet anyone who refuses to allow it they become abusers when sufficient pressure is applied. The name of the worldview is "survival of the fittest."
-
"All children are abusers..."
That is a libel against children.
I know of one country where children do not abuse like American children do, and even most American children don't abuse others.
-
Libel against children?
Children are born evil, man. A child is the physical manifestation of selfishness. Lord of the Flies was more than just an allegory.
Even sparing the rod, you still have to teach kids to be decent human beings.
-
"The name of the worldview is "survival of the fittest.""
That is the standard Conservative misinterpretation of Charles Darwins Theory of Evolution, to justify their abuse of people.
-
"Children are born evil, man."
No!
That is the Old Testament religious teaching but it is scientifically wrong, it is one of the worst "Great Lies" that religion promotes.
That was written in the time of Kings, when Kings had to beat and intimidate their subjects into obedient submission, and the Kings wanted to put the blame on their victims, so they wrote it up in a way that made it seem justified.
King Salomon was an evil genius in that he was able to turn parents against their children and get them to take on the task of beating their own children into obedient submission to the king and so let the king look like the good guy.
Kings were evil, not babies! We threw the king out and now we need to throw out his teachings.
-
That is the Old Testament religious teaching but it is scientifically wrong, it is one of the worst "Great Lies" that religion promotes.
No, it is every experience I have ever had with a child.
If children were perfectly innocent, wonderful beings, then what is the point of parenting?
You say you are against "negative" parenting, and that's fine. But you say you are for "positive" parenting. OK, so what is "positive" parenting if it is not teaching kids how to be good people?
In fact, most religious people I know think kids are wonderful, innocent, gifts from God despite what the Bible says.
What science proves kids are inherently good?
-
Children are not good or bad (or evil) they just are, they simply exist, and mainly randomly. The wickedness is an illusion. They haven't been 'trained' yet to acquiesce to our way of doing things, to our arbitrary rules. They are wild, in that they are free---and, captivity is bound to create a rebellion, whether intentional, or simply the cost of doing this sort of cultural and traditional business. Layering years, or centuries, of manners, skills, doctrines, on a life is bound to create an upheaval. Why would, or should, it ever be easy? The method of this 'human training' can either be gracefully controlled, or it can be brute with a heavy handed rod. Part of our 'human training' should also be to improve the training itself, to get more from less.
-
"What science proves kids are inherently good?"
Babie are just born, they are not born inherently good or evil.
If you want to teach a child to be bad, treat him as if that is how he was born, treat him like King Salomon still teaches parents. Children are great learners, you just have to be careful and mindful of what you teach by role model.
The attitude that goes along with "spare the rod..." is "put the fear of God in them early" and people who live under a regime of fear develop mental and behavioral strategies to cope with that fear but end up socially ineffective with those strategies.
-
Some people consider selfishness to be the root of evil. Children are purely selfish, and thus my evil comment.
Children are selfish. That's a straight up fact. That's the "wildness," the "freedom." A child is going to do whatever they feel is in their best interest. Which is the way we all operate, but a properly reared person realizes a much wider sphere, a more complex notion of best interest.
Left on their own, some may learn to think of others along the way, but most wouldn't. In fact, many still do not even with proper guidance.
-
"Some people consider selfishness to be the root of evil. Children are purely selfish, and thus my evil comment."
That is just scientifically wrong. I just watched a recent show, probably Scientific American with Alan Alda, with films of babies helping others, so it is in their nature to be unselfish.
So, yes, your comment is evil.
But babies are not.
-
It's not scientifically wrong. Mafia families help each other too, that doesn't make them unselfish.
Let go of the evil comment for a second. I said in my last post that I only made the evil comment because some people think selfishness is the root of evil. I do not, and my post reflects that. I think we all act in our own best interest, we just learn...though teaching and through the examples of our parents...that short-term sacrifice for long-term gain is superior to short-term gain.
Just as an example, can you think of a baby that has a way of saying: "I'm hungry, but go ahead and finish what you are doing first."
Every baby wants something and wants it now. Every parent has to ween a baby. Every parent has to teach a toddler manners. Every parent has to teach a child to pay for something instead of listening to his instinct to just take it because he wants it. Every parent has to teach a teenager to call if plans change.
Parents have to do all of that to give their selfish little offspring a broader, empathetic view of the world around them. Otherwise, their "perfect little innocent selfless" babies grow up following their base instincts and desires to disastrous ends. ...and, in a lot of cases, that happens despite the best efforts of the parents.
-
Ok, I just had to intervene with a touch of humorous science here. Check out this "6 Shockingly Evil Things Babies Are Capable of"article:
http://www.cracked.com/article_18404_6-shockingly-evil-things-babies-are-capable-of.html
While Seeker was clearly being hyperbolic in his initial statement, he is absolutely right on when it comes to the base nature of a human being.
Tom Ford is right to give babies the benefit of the doubt though, given that their evil activities are unintentional. It's their Id state (to be Freudian), they don't know better in early stages of development.
-
I can't tell you how deeply touched I was to hear your interview with Lynette Fidrych. I was a reporter in Park City, Utah, in 1990 when her mother, Nadalee Noble, was killed by her father in a supermarket parking lot.
I arrived at the scene just after police, and I had my camera. I've often found that the view through a lens provides some distance and detachment, but not in this case. I was so affected by the sight, especially after I learned what had happened, I couldn't go immediately back to work. My editor felt much the same way, and she agreed it would be inappropriate to use the photos, to heap one more abuse on Nadalee.
Given how this event still weighs so heavily on my mind, I can't imagine what Ms. Fidrych has gone through. It was an inspiration to hear her interview, to hear that she has not only survived, but grown into a confident, composed young woman.
Thank you,
Sincerely,
Ron Georg
Corvallis
-
This is a good article Desktop Computers thanks for sharing this informative information.. alternative investment I will visit your blog regularly for some latest post. SEO Consultants
-
We were very moved by the recent HBO documentary "Every F*ucking Day of My Life", the story of an Oregon woman, Wendy Maldonado and her son who are currently in prison for killing her extremely abusive husband.
The judge in her case was restricted to sentencing guidelines which will keep her in prison and away from her other children for many years, even though she killed her husband as a last resort- clearly it was only a matter of time before he would have killed her.
Has there been any change in the law that would get Wendy Maldonado out of jail?
P.S. her story would be an excellent topic for your show-db
-
Studies show that while a bad economy will not cause a person to become a batterer, it can increase the incidence and severity of domestic violence where the propensity previously exists.
Maybe more importantly, the poor economy also limits options for victims to escape: In Oregon in 2008, approximately 20,000 requests for emergency shelter from domestic violence victims could not be met, due to lack of shelter resources. We know that 48% of victims seeking shelter have at least one minor child with them at the time of the request. In a bad economy, victims are less likely to have the resources they need to secure safe and affordable shelter or housing, and are often faced with the dilemma of having to chose between returning to an abusive home or sleeping in the streets.
In the last 14 months, 47 Oregonians – women, children, and men - have died as a result of domestic violence. These tragedies demand our attention, our response, and our prevention efforts, through this bad economy and forward. I hope this discussion can lend urgency and momentum to these efforts.
-
This really is an awesome post, I'm happy I came across this. I have been trying to find guest writers for my blog so if you ever decide that's something you are interested in please feel free to contact me. I will be back to look at out more of your articles later! baby eczema
-
One of the main root causes of domestic violence is the teaching in all three branches of the Abraham religion, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, of King Salomon, "spare the rod and spoil the child". That teaching is still endemic in our society and sets up people to abuse when things get stressful.
We need to spread the message throughout those religions that King Salomon was and is wrong and that the parental role modeling of beating someone to get your way is ineffective and against the law.
We ought to teach positive parenting in our schools and religions so that parents end up role modeling positive ways to be effective in the world.
This is preventive and so is more effective than treating the pathology, the symptoms, after the abuse has already happened.
-
Your guests have made a point that needs to be emphasized. Male domestic violence is an outgrowth of how traditional male roles have been defined. It is behavior meant to control. The abuser believes the abused is causing them to batter because they are not behaving in the way the abuser wants them to. Once someone is an abuser, they do not change (sorry but true). If someone is hit by a significant other they need to run, even if they are made to believe it is their own fault. If they don't run early, they run the risk of the women recently killed. The criminal system does not work to solve this problem. Putting the abuser in jail puts the victim at risk when the person gets out (not to mention may cut off the only source of income). As I said, at the first hit (often during dating)--run.
-
could you please talk about the statistics involving police as domestic violence abusers. I was in a criminology class years ago and it was shocking to find out that sometimes the abused are calling in and abusers are responding.
-
Do abusers use the only skill set for human interaction that they have? Would it help to give men a better skill set earlier?
-
Many abusers are well respected in their workplaces, communities, families and friend circles and are incredibly abusive to their partners. It's not the only skill set they have; they navigate other interpersonal relationships in their lives with expertise.
-
please don't use my name, I am at work.
there is a law service based on your income
St. Andrews Legal Clinic
there is one in Multnomah County & Clackamas County.
I hope they can be of service to that woman.
I know her pain.
-
We are a society (and in many ways a world) that settles the score through violence. Our cowboys. Our football. Our violent wars. Our love of guns. Ironically we outlaw drugs, but willy-nilly allow guns. Any society that doesn't see the stupidity in that, in that message, is asking for it. When those are your examples, you breed monsters. Monsters, perhaps, do fine when things go well, but when under pressure, when under financial strain, the real monster is more likely to come out. But don't forget the monster was already there. Sudden poverty exacerbates, and inflames, the dormant virus infecting our culture.
-
I agree.
-
I was in a category that was hidden from folks because the father of my child was very smart and understood human behaviour and never hit.
He was LOVED in his work community –he worked with families.
I describe our 17 year marriage like this – things were always ok as long as things went his way . I had freedom to do lead a normal life as long as I didn’t do anything to threaten his hold on me. i didn’t go to social functions without him since “ couples that do things separately grow apart. “ Therefore, I missed a one and only baby shower because the woman giving it said “no men allowed” so I “couldn’t” go. I used to believe his opinion that a women-only gathering was sexist.
I started to get healthy after my daughter was born and as I got healthier, his behavior escalated including death threats and stalking . Thank god my employer supported me when he got work at the same hospital I worked at and gave him a restraining order of sorts to follow whenever he was on-duty. As soon as they did that , he quit .
I want to share with others in a similar situation , that telling everyone you know or come in contact with what the situation is can really help keep you safe. I had to explain to folks that he may show up at their doorstep sometime or at mine and appear very calm and rationale and no one would guess how dangerous he was and that he was stalking me .
My advice I give to others
Along with counseling , reading The gift of fear by gavin de becker really helped me keep safe. I highly recommend it .
Avoiding interaction /contact of any kind saved me .
And never never trust the abuser will change
-
I've only just now tuned in to the program, so perhaps you've already answered a similar question, but I have long been unclear about what constitutes verbal abuse? Could you please describe all the ways in which a person may be verbally abusive?
I feel that I was verbally abused in a recently-ended relationship, but it was more subtle than obvious name-calling and such.
Thank you.
-
hi mollbee--
Verbal abuse can be a lot of different things, but I usually characterize them as a pattern of behaviors including put downs, threats, insults intended to embarrass, threaten, and lower the self-esteem of another person. Some abusers verbally abuse with other people around (to isolate you from your friends, family and support people), or one-on-one, or using technology (constantly texting you, checking up on you). Often, when abusers use put downs or threats or insults with other people around and those other people don't say anything, a survivor feels even more isolated in their relationship.
In general, feeling worse around your partner instead of happier-- if they pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, make you feel like no one else would ever want to be with you and they alone can put up with you, or that your self-esteem has gone down since you have been with that person are signs that the relationship may be abusive.
If you do feel like your relationship was abusive, please know that it wasn't your fault that your recent ex did this to you. It was a behaviors they CHOSE to inflict on you in order to have power in the relationship and control over you. You didn't deserve it at all, and you don't deserve it.
-
If you are a low-income domestic violence victim in need of legal services, you may qualify for free legal assistance from legal aid:
Go to www.oregonlawhelp.org for information about where to find a legal aid office near you.
Or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) for free and confidential 24 hour support, as well as referrals to safety services near you.
Or go to http://www.dhs.state.or.us/abuse/domestic/gethelp.htm for a list of domestic violence shelter and support services in every county of the state.
If you are being abused, the abuse is not your fault. You deserve help, and there is help available.
-
I am a male in an abusive relationship. My wife is the one doing the hitting, my wife is the one that threatens she will hurt me while I sleep. Men might be 99% of the problem but women loose control too.
-
You might refer the woman whose husband abused her and took away her young son to the St. Andrew Legal Clinic. This agency provides legal services, in the area of family law, to low-income individuals and families in Multnomah, Clackamas, and Washington Counties. The phone # is 503.281.1500. Thanks for your work in publicizing these cases of abuse. Jim Manning (Brooklyn/Sellwood)
-
As to abusers needing sympathy:
Yes, because they are victims themselves, they learned to abuse from their role models.
But it is not OK to abuse just because you are a victim.
-
You're right; it isn't okay to abuse just because you've been abused. It's just as likely that someone who grew up in an abusive home saw the harms of violence and decided never to treat a partner like that as it is for someone to grow up in an abusive home and be abusers themselves.
Abusers may need sympathy, but more than anything, they need to be held accountable for their actions; abusers make so many excuses (including excuses about the economy AND a family history of abuse!) that the work of addressing abusive behavior and personalities must start first with accountability for the abuse they inflicted.
-
I haven't heard the entire show, so I don't know if this has been discussed. A woman called in to talk about emotional abuse that had no physical manifestation, and said she was involved in a draining and scary court battle and had run out of resources. There is an organization in Portland called the Saint Andrews Legal Clinic. They work on a sliding scale based upon your ability to pay. If they don't take your case, they have a referral list of lawyers that will work for reduced rates. A friend of mine went through a similar set of continued court cases over custody until she lost her ability to fight due to her limited resources. St. Andrews stepped in to help. Hopefully the caller can find some help!
-
If you want to discuss possible prosecution of your abuser for an incident of domestic violence that occurred in Multnomah County please feel free to call the Multnomah County District Attorney's Office Domestic Violence Unit, (503) 988-3222. Experienced Deputy District Attorneys and Victim Advocates are available to explain the workings of the justice system and to discuss options.
Amy Holmes Hehn, Senior Deputy District Attorney, Multnomah County District Attorney's Office
-
Domestic violence is of course terrible, but I assume it takes two to tango. I am not suggesting we blame the two, per se, or that one alone cannot be a victim. But, I am rather surprised, that well everyone is surprised! That they never see it coming.... Surely this surprise is overstated! Surely healthy 'folks' getting into relationships with serial abusers is a rarity. That one, can partner with another, without any inkling that this 'partner' is not all together well, or upstanding, is not believable.
Perhaps, because domestic violence went unchecked for so long, we have addressed it by labeling and empathizing with just the person we label as 'victim.' When really they are both victims of a sort. I have known several people who have been 'victims' of domestic violence, and a couple I have known before the liaisons dangereuses began---and in at least one of the cases, the violence is often reciprocated. And, in all of the cases, I wasn't surprised!
When you choose garbage it generally behaves as such. Certainly I have empathy with the abused, because they don't realize what garbage is, or have low expectations, otherwise they wouldn't choose garbage. Most of the time the abused, were victims, long before the abuse ever began. So, my point, we don't need to just stop abuse when it occurs, and only when it is violent---those are the easy targets. We need greater expectations in the type of people we can be, not just for the abused, but for the abusers as well.
-
Abusers typically pick people they think they can exercise control over; these are often people with disabilities, recently incarcerated, new to a community (without many community ties), sometimes involved in religious communities condoning certain gender roles, younger folks, older folks, women, low-income, queer but not yet out, homeless, etc. It's not that survivors have bad "pickers," it's that abusers find women in less than ideal situations that they feel they can control. Second, abusers don't abuse early in a relationship; if you went on a first date with someone and they slapped you, would you go on another? Of course not. Abusers not only find women for whom there are many barriers to leaving an abusive relationship, but know exactly how to abuse someone, make excuses for their behavior, act extremely loving and attentive and do the whole thing over and over again so that a survivor doesn't know what to expect from their partner anymore.
I agree that more prevention work needs to happen; I also believe that it is incredibly easy for tons of people to write "we need" in a community-based forum, for tons of people to know what "we need" and not do a single thing about it.
Things you can do that isn't just sound and fury: volunteer for a community-based DV program, give money to a community-based program, write letters to your local politicians to support DV shelters and non-shelter models, learn about the dynamics of abuse and sexual violence and talk to teachers, bus drivers, community members about violence. Make it an issue that we talk about in our community circles, but make it an issue that you know enough about to talk about.
If you want an accessible book, read Dragonslippers, a graphic novel written by a survivor of DV that very clearly illustrates some dynamics of abusive relationships, especially how abusers make it hard for women to leave, the cycle and patterns of violence, how violence in a relationship escalates, that abusers are often extremely charismatic, highly respected and charming with lots of friends, the constant excuses abusers use, and how abuse is about exercising control and power, not just a response to anger.
-
I believe you, and all of us, overestimate this profile of an abuser, this cold hearted calculation that they allegedly conduct---cliche, maybe: but they aren't that smart!, that aware. Some abusers are, but those are the extremes. It is equally possible that it is all they could get, and what they want, on and from both sides. Sometimes bad relationships, really, are bad, because initially they are easier that way. All those situations you mention could, also, be a little chicken and egg---they certainly could be turned into a case of desperation on the part of the 'survivor.' A 'loser' is easy---low expectations, you don't have to try so hard. I just wonder how one could be close, intimate, a partner in a meaningful way, with someone who is a one-sided monster and have no idea about this? Does this really happen so often? Or are these victims also desperate and lonely and will put up with it, because it is better then nothing? I don't say that to belittle or suggest they deserve it, or shouldn't be helped, but to give an accurate account. The Pollyanna-ish way we often portray the victims, maybe it is necessary for marketing, but is it always this simple? Desperation itself isn't just a situation, your circumstance, your lot in life, it can be its own problem.
You are right, about people not doing anything about it, I am definitely one of those people, rather unashamedly so. I barely hang on to my own life, while I empathize and largely understand many aspects of domestic violence, it isn't an ill that I will focus my attention on. Other then generally to get involved with a discussion about it, which is perhaps something in itself.
-
I have spoken with friends/family that are in destructive situations to help them 'get out.' But I generally tend to just listen and encourage them to talk about it, and to be honest about the abuse. When the seemingly endless breakups come, and they go back, I say not to hide it, that I won't run away. That they shouldn't be embarrassed. I suggest they get help, but they don't. So I continue to listen... But am I complacent? Perhaps, you have insight with this---what does one do to help an individual person? Not a community. Some family members cut the person off, or stop bailing them out---almost like it is an addiction and they don't want to enable. But, what do you do? How do you help? Can you help? Does it just have to play out? Do you say I will stick by you no matter what? Do you just listen? Do you constantly repeat how bad the situation is? I sort of find, that family members who have a black and white response, that the victim doesn't open up to them. The 'your boyfriend is a loser, you are stupid for being with him, get out.' Do you try to build up the victim and their worth, suggest they aim higher? Do you badmouth the abuser? Do you tell the victim that they are also damaged, and that damage allows them to participate in an abusive relationship? It seems like it is not enough to just paint them as a perpetual victim? If they think the problem only lies on the other side, won't they repeat the same mistake again and again? Personally, I think accepting at least a little blame, a tiny dance, is a healthier approach.
-
The "profile" of an abuser as calculating his moves is in no way made up out of thin air. It's a profile that, first, most people don't expect and think of when they think of abuse, and, second, is based heavily on interviews and research done by domestic violence prevention and intervention agencies (both social service agencies as well as research funds) AS WELL AS batterer's intervention agencies.
This profile of an abusive personality was originally developed by studying sex offenders' behaviors (a population about which there has been TONS of research) and folks who work with batterer's have found that this profile, of calcuation, escalation and establishing/maintaining control through manipulating and contradictory behavior, also rings true for many batterers they worked with. Most batterers, actually. And regardless of what specific aspects of the profile batterers did or did not associate themselves with, all use violence (emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, technological) in order to control their partner.
Saying that batterers aim to control their partners is not a crazy esoteric idea that only few people have the intelligence to come up with. We're in a society that believes people do have the right to control other people, and especially our partners. We also live in a society (or maybe it's human nature, i don't really know) where we are raised to not take responsibility for our behavior but to make excuses for behavior that WE knowingly do.
-
Finally, regarding helping individuals: I think each person is the expert of their own experience, and it is a huge disservice to someone to tell them what to do with their lives; doing so takes away some of their control over their own lives (which is something they already experienced in their abusive relationship), and doing so neglects the very real fact that they know, better than anyone else, how to keep themselves safe in their dangerous situation, and, accordingly, know if/when/how it's safe to leave. It can be really frustrating as a friend or family member, but I think the best you can do is to let someone experiencing violence know that you will be a support person for them if they ever need help/resources/to talk/whatever and that you will care and love them without judging them or their decisions. And you can validate their own decisions: acknowledge that at every step of every way, every person makes decisions based on what they think will lead to the best outcome. No one makes decisions hoping it will hurt them or screw them over, and as an outside observer, you have no idea what considerations and factors went into their decision making. Let them know you get that.
-
I heard one of the guests say that all victims of domestic violence deserve respect not more stress when seeking help. The program failed on that count this morning.
One caller stated "their [women's] lives are full of chaos", that this somehow explains bad behavior. Another said the 33% statistic was an attempt to "de-gender" the issue. Both responses demonstrate a cultural tendency towards overlooking women's behavior even when they're the instigators of abusive acts.
There are many reasons men don't report abuse:
- We are told, "You must have had it coming"
- We are stigmatized as being less of a man
- We are dismissed
- We are ignored
- We are socially isolated
- We risk the possibility of being labeled the perpetrator
It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, if you're in a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual one, abuse IS abuse, the trauma is the same, and we all need the same healing, support and respect. Now that's an episode I'd call in for.
Thank you for your attention,
Aslynnhttp://www.greenpygmies.com/ -
I'd also like to note that *any* stressor, economic or otherwise, has the potential to increase the likelihood that someone already prone to violent outbursts will act out. In my case my ex didn't like her job and was struggling to find one that suited her newly acquired degree. While the difficulties she was experiencing in the job hunt as well as the substantial student loan she'd acquired may not have been the cause of her behavior, it was clearly a factor in the frequency and intensity of her outbursts.
-
Is there any connection with the rate of domestic violence In Portland and the large ratio of strip clubs in the area?
-
When the economy dips, domestic violence often increases, affecting the workplace. This is the first of two articles on preventing DV from hitting your office. It summarizes proactive approaches to minimizing or even eliminating spillover effects from domestic violence in your office. We discuss elements of effective policies, and safety procedures for protecting victims and all employees.
Grossesse Semaine Par Semaine
-
It's shocking to know these violence. It's impossible to eliminate of it but possible to reduce it. The government needs to take more effective actions to it.
walk in tubs -
Seems like there will never be an enough level to the issues. They have to bring it upper to the board to fix such things. gaming laptops -
sometimes money can make the difference... with a bad financial situation you can suffer.
ballbusting wrestling
-
This comment has been removed by the TOL staff.
-
How have the economy affect our actions? This is a big question for us to discover the advantage and disadvatage from this one. Right?
selling a used car
-
Actually I would like to write like this as well - taking time and real energy to bring about an excellent post... however what can I say... I procrastinate an awful lot and by no means appear to get things completed… air hockey table -
In hostel business, the customer service is become the most important thing. It can represent their service. luxury car rental west palm beach
-
After analyzing the problem, I think you should stop yor plan and think for a new one. This is the best way to avoid a big risk. laptop cases -
The stuff that you made is pretty good. The most important thing is it can send a connection and the connection's speed is good.
Australian Life Insurance -
Her headstrong cd and dvd at store now. You can buy it and winning a ticket concert. My friends says that.
free web advertising -
You have got a really useful blog I have been here reading for about an hour. I am a newbie and your success is very much an inspiration for me.
simulation pret immobilier
-
Your blog is really excellent. It inspires the readers who has that great desire to lead a better and happier life. Thanks for sharing this information and hope to read more from you. HTML background color
-
I dont know much about this, but would surely come back to you and will be back with very good informative posts, but i must say, till now whatever i have read it was awesome. I must appreciate this. Thanks for Sharing and please keep Posting. Links to Las Vegas Carpet Cleaning
-
The <a href="http://magic-jack.me">magic jack</a> is a simple device to use and install. You start by Plugging your Magic Jack into one of your computers USB ports and Waiting for the options of installation to show up. There should be a pop up that you need to double click in order to start the Magic Jack Application. The Magic Jack should download its updates to ensure getting the best quality out of the Magic Jack that you can get. The Next step would include picking the area code of your choosing from almost anywhere in the United states. After you complete these steps you may have to restart your computer.
-
A Long Kept Secret For Generating Free Electricity is Finally On The Open, And You’ll Never Have To Pay A Single Dime to the Power Company.
-
Hahahaha.. this is so a reverse case with my girlfriend. Just little cuddles and touches and kisses she got turned on like wild fire!
free cpr certification
-
Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me. online travel booking
-
Resources like the one you mentioned here is very useful! I will post a link to this page on my blog. I am sure my visitors will find that very useful. thank you for sharing Mobiles Casino mieten
-
I think youve made some truly interesting points. Not too many people would actually think about this the way you just did. Im really impressed that theres so much about this subject thats been uncovered and you did it so well, with so much class. Good one you, man! Really great stuff here. love calculator
-
I found your website perfect for my needs. It contains wonderful and helpful posts. I have read most of them and got a lot from them. To me, you are doing the great work. Carry on this. work at home In the end, I would like to thank you for making such a nice website. Ballonfahrt
-
I am happy to find this post very useful for me, as it contains lot of information. I always prefer to read the quality content and this thing I found in you post. Thanks for sharing. Astore
-
I have never thought that there people that have the same thoughts with me and share them on the web as it is awesome and makes others overlook their personal point of view. santa monica web design
-
Post is nicely written and it contains many good things for me. I am glad to find your impressive way of writing the post. Now it become easy for me to understand and implement the concept. Thanks for sharing the post. auto insurance
-
I love place with many books in it. I can stand to read all day. Especially if its basic on a true story.
CGS980SEMSS -
Good information. I will share this to all of my friends. Thanks for this. I wish you will share another good article.
Letters from santa -
I hace a schedule to open this page. I want to see the collection they have and download a good picture. If I have time I will visit that place. This is a good recommended too for me.
guy stuff -
Really impressed! Everything is very open and very clear explanation of issues.
It contains truly information. Your website is very useful. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to more! iphone unlocking -
We need to protect ourself from the violence. This is not good for our mind and soul. Especially for the woman and kids. Both of that group always facing violence in their life. Lucky for us, now there are several institution that taking care of this problem.
Buy Exercise Equipment
-
nowadays we should prevent this domestic 'activities'.
I am sure that with a good education we can stop them.
mixed wrestling ballbusting -
Admiring the time and effort you put into your blog and detailed information you offer! How To Get Rid of Bed Bugs
-
My heart weeps for such cruelity. How can someone kill his own familyand then shot himself? I know its the extreme but how can peopel do this. People we need to have peace, love and patience. ecommerce website development
-
I can't stand domestic violence! I also hate when the economy is bad! Thank you for sharing this... these people need to be stopped!
<a href="http://www.financialaccounting101.com">Financial Accounting 101</a>
-
This is a really good read for me. Must agree that you are one of the coolest blogger I ever saw. Thanks for posting this useful information. This was just what I was on looking for. I'll come back to this blog for sure! I bookmarked this blog a while ago because of the useful content and I am never being disappointed. Keep up the good work .Thanks alot!
converse waterproof boots -
We, as humans have become stone hearted, that we dont feel such heartbreaking news. Social issues and voilence like these have to be addressed and practically condemned, but who will take action first?
I hope we get united. Peace.URLdreamer affiliate
-
This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing websites that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. It is the old what goes around comes around routine. www.casinoenlignedu.com | www.casinoenligne777.com
-
Theres a lot of idea that you can write to make your own web. Or you can think bout something that really interesting and then you can make a competition bout that in your web.
vemma
-
Many good musicians in this page. They make a good music and they performed all of that in that stage. Im sure that will make a big crowded. Its must be fun to be a part of that.
anti aging -
extremely sad and alarming news. I wish people realise that its nothing in hatered its just darkness. Think positive and you will see positive!
seo services
-
I really enjoyed reading this post, big fan. Keep up the good work and
please tell me when can you publish more articles or where can I read
more on the subject? Thank you on behalf of the sim only team. we will really appreciate you for your upcoming blast
also. -
What a great post showing the relationship of two seemingly unconnected things. Anonymous Web Proxy
-
I dont know mucg musician like him. He always try to modify a old song and turn it into something good. You dobnt even realize that an old song can be like that in his hands. He is a good artist too i think.
Contract Hire -
I really believe people and authorities should be more concerned about such issues than they are now. We are all lost in our own selves and we don't care for such things, even if we them happening around us. Domestic voilence is animalism at best. It should be stopped at once and people conducting it should be made to pay the price by law.
make money online
-
sometimes money can make the difference... with a bad financial situation you can suffer. buy hip hop beats
-
I am very liked for this webblog. It is an informative subject matter. That that helped me to quite definitely to eliminate many problems.The newest info about <a href=http://www.diablo3releasedate.org>diablo 3 release date</a>,at <a href=http://open.salon.com/blog/david_brin/2009/11/12/name_the_decade_of_miserable_whiners>diablo3releasedate.org</a>. -
I am very liked for this webblog. It is an informative subject matter. That that helped me to quite definitely to eliminate many problems.The newest info about <a href=http://www.diablo3releasedate.org>diablo 3 release date</a>,at <a href=http://open.salon.com/blog/david_brin/2009/11/12/name_the_decade_of_miserable_whiners>diablo3releasedate.org</a>.
-
I am very liked for this webblog. It is an informative subject matter. That that helped me to quite definitely to eliminate many problems.The newest info about diablo 3 release date,at diablo3releasedate.org
-
There is no one to blame as things are too comaplex way more than we could imagine. Human life, the life we are living is not easy for nay one. Problem is that we only care for our pains and feel that I am the most suffrering person in the world.
sterling silver
-
blaming economy for domestic violence is not an excuse at all
solar panel homes
-
There a doctor near my house. I just know that he is an immigrant. But he help us with the medicine that he make by himself use the herbal think. Who said that immigrant cant do nothing. We are grateful to have that docter in my community.
FC Barcelona
-
We are extremely experienced because of this blog. Its an instructive issue. The idea assist me greatly to eliminate a number of issues. It's opportunity usually are consequently fantastic and working style so immediate. I think it may be aid almost everyone. Thanks a lot regarding savoring this kind of attractiveness site beside me. Longing for another new weblog. All the best towards the writer! the best!alienware coupons at alienwarecoupons.com.
-
If you want to have online shop, you need to make your own website. Many people including me have my own website. This is good thing coz many people will know bout your site everyday.
hostgator coupon -
This comment has been removed by the TOL staff.
-
This comment has been removed by the TOL staff.
-
This comment has been removed by the TOL staff.
-
Many factors can lead to domestic violence like the one stated above, when you loses your job or you don't have money to pay your debts. Our government must act on it immediately to put a stop on this.
-
This comment has been removed by the TOL staff.
-
The price is really worth it. You wont feel regret if you buy this. You can read every single page. And the advertisement is really useful in our daily life too. This is well recommended mags.
Proofreading Services
-
very interesting piece, thanks for posting driving instructor courses this article :)
-
We charge to accomplish a branch to acquaint what action or what programme we have. If they accept absorption in it, they should assurance up themselves so they can be at that workshop.
LI Web Design
-
Well, I am so excited that I have found this your post because I have been searching for some information about it almost three hours. You helped me a lot indeed and reading this your article I have found many new and useful information about this subject.
warm waterproof boots -
America has always been obsessed with crime, crime stats, crime shows, mobsters...it's no surprise that we are one of the most violent countries in the world. [URL=http://mygamehosting.com]game servers[/URL] It's all because this is the "land of opportunity", where morals fly out the window in exchange for a buck or a higher position even if it means stabbing a beloved one or colleage in the back to move up the ladder. We're just a country full of opportunists.
-
It is normal for couples to have different opinions on how to manage their finances. For instance, one partner is usually a “spender” while the other is a “saver.” However, in lean times you have to find some common ground with your spouse, whether it be for basic survival or figuring how to maximize your earnings and stretch your dollars further than you ever have before. The bottom line is it takes teamwork, and both partners have to be on the same page.
http://www.sumalo.de/
-
I am very liked for this weblog. It is an informative subject matter. That that helped me to quite definitely to eliminate many problems. Its possibility tend to be thus excellent and working design and style therefore quick. I think it may perhaps be enable all of you. Eager for yet another excellent blog. All the best ! towards article writer! take care!
sonicare couponwww.sonicarecoupon.org
-
I'm really loved with this weblog. It's an interesting subject. This assist me to greatly to resolve a few difficulties. It's chance tend to be therefore wonderful and working design therefore fast. I think it might be assist all of you. Thanks a lot with regard to taking pleasure in this particular elegance weblog beside me. I'm appreciating this greatly! Getting excited about an execllent weblog. Best of luck towards the writer! best wishes! www.earforce.net
EAR FORCE
-
This is highly informatics, crisp and clear. I think that Everything
has been described in systematic manner so that reader could get
maximum information and learn many things. Have you written any blog
on הפצת קורות חיים and seo.As i can judge your quality writing.This
is one of the best blogs I have read.congrats for a very meaningful
efforts. -
its a sad fact but its true....need to prevent this from happening
solar panel homes
-
This is highly informatics, crisp and clear. I think that everything has been described in systematic manner so that reader could get maximum information and learn many things. Have you written any blog on icons also. As I can judge your quality writing. This is one of the best blogs I have read. Congrats for a very meaningful efforts.
-
I want to express my admiration of your writing skill and ability to make readers read from the beginning to the end. I would like to read newer posts and to share my thoughts with you. power 106 cali christmas tickets || mark and brian klos christmas show tickets -
I am impressed by this blog. I enjoy discovering some useful thing like this subject because this work is interesting and creative for me.The image you showed in your post are nice and active as well.
IT review
Data Recovery
Raid Recovery
Thanks!
-
Really like this website, this really helps and very useful.
flowers delivery
-
In my country, we only hug with someone that close with us and we already know that person before. We cant hug any people in my country. Not we are not allowed to do that, but its weird to do that when people around you not do that.
mobile CPA -
There is currently some useful information that regarding to health problem around this subject on the net and some are most definitely better than others. You have caught the detail here just right which makes for a refreshing change – thanks.
anger quote
-
fryzjer torun Well, I am so excited that I have found this your post because I have been searching for some information about it almost three hours. You helped me a lot indeed and reading this your article I have found many new and useful information about this subject.
-
I wonder how you got so good. This is really a fascinating blog, lots of stuff that I can get into. One thing I just want to say is that your Blog is so perfect!
flower in philippine -
This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing blog that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. It is the old what goes around comes around routine. Did you want to acquired lots of links and I see lots of track backs?? Software Reviews
-
Thanks for the nice post. I have already bookmarked it.It was really a good read. I also think quality is vitally important! But saying that, your articles are always a fab read., Keep up the good work. confirmation letter
-
Women and children are often the victims of domestic violence. There are a lot of forms of domestic violence. Physical, Mental, Emotional, Sexual, Verbal abuse. There are several reports about this. Even in the television, I hear a lot of reports about children and women being maltreated by their husbands, fathers, or even mothers. Its quite depressing hearing this stories. There are people also that I think are not in their right minds that they could even kill their loved ones. I do not know what caused this violence but I think it would also relate to their self-esteem. That they are superior to the other, they are powerful in the household. Its really sad hearing these news.
Virility Ex | Venapro | Provillus| the blueprint project black edition| razor e100 electric scooter| making money on the web
-
I like to choose the english language. I understand that better than any other language that they have in this site. And i already read all of this and i like this article, it have a good content.
Chiropractic Atlanta -
I strongly against domestic violence and I think they should pass a harsher punishment for people who beats up children
solar panel for homes
-
A very useful article, I agree with you we must help the victims of this violence and punished those who are accused. Cincinnati roofing
-
I make our family album since our first daughter is born. We spend a good time during that time until now. Now, all of our kids already grown up and me and my husband like to open our family album together and see the old photo that we have.
Long Island Lawn Sprinkler -
It's sad that one factor of Domestic violence is because of the status of the Economy. This post is very informative!
<a href="http://makesolarpanelsv.com/">Make Solar Panels</a>
-
Comments are now closed.
The recession is being blamed for an increase in domestic abuse cases, apparently economic downturn has caused grave financial problems for thousands of households across the county and compounded problems in already troubled relationships. One of the worst things for a friendship or family relationship can be asking to borrow money . (I think Mark Twain said something about that.) Borrowing money from loved ones, family, can put strains on your relationship if you fall short in repaying them – and it might be better to not take the chance if possible. You might be better off using cash advances or payday loans if you have an emergency expense, or perhaps try adjusting your budget to increase savings or cash flow – a sparser spending pattern instead of strained relations is a better outcome.