SHARE THIS SHOW:
RECENTLY ON TOL:
TOL Our Town
- A tumblr site dedicated to the people and places that make up Oregon and Southwest Washington.
TAGS:
Staff Pick: Downsizing as a Senior
Yesterday we took a listen back to segments from our shows on having and raising children. Today we explore the other end of the age spectrum — seniors. This show looks specifically at the challenges and concerns people face when they are forced to downsize in their older years. This may mean moving into a smaller home or apartment, a family member's home, a retirement community, or a facility somewhere on the spectrum from assisted living to full-blown nursing care. Whatever the move, it is full of much physical, and emotional, "stuff." This show struck a chord for OPB reporter, April Baer.
If you're considering this kind of change, or recently went through it, what are the challenges to downsizing? When do you know you're ready? (Or: how do you know know you're not?) What impact has downsizing had on your life, your autonomy, or your happiness?
GUESTS:
- Darlene Lemley: Retired teacher and resident of the Calaroga Terrace Retirement Community
- Joyce Demonnin: Public Outreach Director at AARP Oregon
- Michael Stone: Downsizing and relocation specialist for seniors
Photo credit: Mart Wegman / Creative Commons
-
My 75 & 78 year old parents live in Ocean Park, WA (I live in Vancouver and work in Portland) and simply refuse to do ANYTHING to plan for the eventuality that they will be unable to take care of their large home and property by themselves. They do not have the kind of income that would allow them to hire help.
They have 20+ years accumulation of "stuff" and have a "make the kids deal with it after we die" attitude which is causing a great deal of tension in our family.
Do you have any suggestions for what we can do?
Thanks for this topic. It is very timely for me!
-
Denise, would your parents be willing to allow a third party to mediate this dilemma? A mediator could help both sides express their concerns and help all of you make a plan. Portland has quite a few mediators. I think you can probably find them in the phone book or online. Good luck.
-
Have the parents write up, name, each valuable item that may cause contention, on a piece of paper. Fold these and place in a hat. Call the brats together and let them in turn, pick out a piece of paper until all are gone. Whatever they drew is what they get. If they wish thereafter to trade amongst themselves. That would be their affair. Alternatively, if the spawn don't like this idea, and are still arguing, mom and dad might just sell off the house and valuables and take the money and go cruise the world in comfort.
-
@Gereng - your comment displays your obvious bias against children, which I find extremely distasteful. The tension in our family is not that my only sister and I are in any kind of disagreement over 'who gets what.' I want nothing they have and have, in fact, suggested they sell the house and contents and spend whatever money they get on themselves while they can.
The situation I am experiencing is that my parents (who in addition to being in mid- to late-70s are also in extremely ill health) are in complete denial about their circumstances and plan to stay in their home, 3+ hours away from any family, and refuse to acknowledge that at some point, they will be unable to continue living independently. They plan to live in their now deteriorating manufactured home until they die and leave the job of disposing of their hoarded junk to their children. I think their lack of interest in planning for their future displays a total disregard for reality and much selfishness.
I've tried, unsuccessfully, to explain to them that they should take control and make decision while they are still able, rather than wait until circumstances force them into having to make drastic changes that they have not planned for.
It is a sad scenario and your sarcastic insinuation that the "brats" and "spawn" are arguing over my parents' meager possessions is insulting.
-
My dear friend Janet died at home last year at age 96. In going through her papers after her death I found a letter address "to my daughters"- of which she had none - a beautiful treatise on aging and gratitude to her friends for supporting her decision to stay at home. Although her last years were progressively physically disabled, Janet continued to contribute her writitngs and vast wisdom to the local, state and notional issues that were her lifelong passion until her death, which would not have been possible had she moved to an institutional setting - she knew that and so did we . . .
-
Thank you for this. You, I take it, are one of the "daughters" who contributed support. She must have loved you very much to leave that letter. It's obvious she didn't take the support for granted.
-
I am hoping that when I am old enough to retire that there will be gay living facilities where I can spend time in a homosexual environment. Honestly, being trapped with other seniors not being able to express myself sounds like a horrible way to spend my golden years.
-
Wonderful topic...
How about Hoarding?
See: http://aginginplace.com/696/elderly-hoarders/
Patrick Roden
aginginplace.com
-
So few men in this discussion; is that because women usually outlive them? Also, no participation by a "NBM" (never been married) and geographically separated from siblings. Comments? Suggestions?
-
I was the only surviving child. My father lived in San Diego where he wanted to stay after a stroke. I was fortunate to find a tenant for him through "Shared Housing" and a geriatric specialist through "Lifeline Healthcare". We had a local friend who I paid to call him frequently and drive him to events.
Downside: the "friend" was also charging my father who gave her his $100 weekly allowance. Door to door salespeople conned him into giving him money and signing him up for services. A derelict woman moved in with the tenant and my father until his therapist convinced him she was over 50 and should be taking care of herself. She left with the silver.
It took me 2 weeks of daily work and a large dumpster to clean out the house and garage after his death. I bitterly regret not having more time and my parents help to go through the "museum" of my parents' lives.
Moral: build an invisible corral around your loved one but nothing will replace your personal attention.
-
Two years ago when my mother turned 93, she decided to leave her home in Iowa and move out here to be close to me, her only surviving child (of four). Even though it was her decision to move to Oregon and into an assisted living facility, leaving her home forever was of course extremely hard. She and I had never been close, and the transition proved to be a huge emotional and psychological challenge for both of us. But we worked hard at resolving our differences because we had to, and our relationship has transformed. We are now experiencing a fulfillment of the mother/daughter bond we've always wanted and never could have had if she'd stayed in Iowa. If she had not couragously chosen to change her life at age 93, both of us would have lived out our remaining years with smoldering resentments toward one another.
I admire my mother for her willingness to change her life at such an advanced age and, in the process, changing mine.
-
I've assisted several people in right-sizing their lifestyles over the past few years. Here's a few ideas I have found to work very well in this process. I'm a real estate agent in Vancouver, and found myself in the position of helping people once they had made their decision to make that move. Sometimes people think that the decision is the hardest part... but once that has been made the real hard part is still ahead of you. That is DEALING WITH THE STUFF and WHAT TO KEEP.
Ideal situation: You have both the new place and your existing place for a month or two.
Move what you need into your new place. See what really fits and what you might need to purchase.
If you don't have the luxury of having both places at once, you definately need someone with vision to help you decide what will go with you. This is very hard. Pare down your bedroom, your living room and your kitchen to what will fit in a standard condo/apt. Get everything else OUT of those rooms (you may need to rent storage).
Look over what is left (usually a lot). The reason you keep things is because you like them, or they hold memories. A great way to keep those memories: Make a memory book. Take one or more photos of the item, write up something about it (how you got it, what it means to you) then put it in the memory book. Now, pass along the object to someone for new memories. It's respectful of the item.
Purge it all: Not everyone has a family with free time to do this. Hire a group/company/individual to handle it. For a cut of the proceeds (usually) they should come in, organize and price it all, and handle a big sale.
In Vancouver I've come to rely on a wonderful group, the Soroptomist Club. Here they have a program for estate sales. Okay... so it's NOT an estate, but don't let the word stop you. They will work with people downsizing.
Now you can properly clean, repair and pass along your former space.
Hope this helps!
Louise
manybless@yahoo.com
-
Gosh Denise, just trying to interject some humor into the discussion. I love my kids!! And they love me!! I am just not that serious all the time about the matters that others agonize over. It is mostly my writing style. Not any lack or real feelings or lack of empathy for the problems of other people.
My idea about drawing a lottery isn't all that bad. I know elder people who did just that. If your parents are refusing help, then rather than nagging them, let them do as they wish. If they are still at all rational. If they are senile, then it may be possible to take over and handle their affairs for them. If they do not own much of great value I don't see why the siblings are contending for it. Just leave matters as they are. Also keep in mind not every problem has a happy solution. Life certainly doesn't. We sicken and die.
-
@Gereng - Again...my sister and I are not contending for my parents' stuff! It is, in fact, the opposite! My parents have a 1500 square foot home, a 2-car garage, and two additional outbuildings - crammed with stuff! I just think it is selfish and ignorant of them to pretend they are never going to die and/or just assume they can leave their mess for their family to deal with when they do die. They don't even have advance directives on file.
I gave up trying to talk with my parents about planning for the future, thus am not nagging them. They are doing as they wish. They are pretending they are immortal and I am letting them live with that fantasy. My sister is unwilling to participate in any way in helping my parents with anything. That leaves me. I'm not expecting a happy solution, I asked only if anyone had any helpful advice. You obviously don't.
-
As I opined: not every problem is amenable to an imposed solution. It sounds as if your parents are both stubborn and unprepared for The End and unwilling to make those preparations. Given the info you have shared, your parents' situation and attitude don't appear to lend itself to a solution coming from anyone outside themselves.
If they are rational, they have a legal right to be onery, independent and head for the exit in any manner they wish. If they don't care much about leaving their exiting problems to you alone- as it seems- about all you can do is stand by and HOPE something will occur that causes them change their minds.
-
Comments are now closed.
I am now 77. When my beloved wife passed away nearly five yrs ago, my response, as I now realize, was self destrctive. I left the house and everything in it to be sold by my sister-in-law, sold the newest car and drove away in my pick-up, keeping almost nothing.
For the next 4 yrs, I lived consecutively with my adult children.. in Virginia, Florida and Texas. But as welcoming and understanding as they all were, living someone else's life finally palls and becomes both boring and unsatisfactory. Being in good health in my mid 70s and still vigorous, I finally decided to strike out on my own and come back to Oregon...a state where I lived as a teenager.
In Eugene, I found old classmates and one very special old girl friend, now widowed. Together we find more than enough activities to fill our days. I joined a couple of fraternal organizations and I still go each year to the annual reunion of the Marine Corps organization I belong to.
I think a principal consideration, aside from adequate income, is health. If one is in poor health that factor becomes the determinate and major restriction on the life style of elderly people. For myself, as long as my good health prevails, I am going to continue an active and independent life style.
I told my children that when I am no longer able to live independently, they can shuffle me about between them. They are reasonably well off financially. I know they will take very good care of me. I have a legacy to leave and am not above holding it over them.. Getting old is not optional becoming stupid may be, though. Kidding, of course. I get along very well with my middle aged spawn. Distance lending an agreeable element to the relationships.