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Stories of Adoption and Adaptation
I've never written about my connection to adoption, and it's not something that comes up in casual conversation. Ten years ago, my sister became a single mom at age 18. Her son was a beautiful, strong-willed boy, adored by his six aunts and uncles and the entire extended family. She was a great mom at first, but by the time he was 18 months she decided she was not cut out for motherhood and could not give him the life she wanted for him.
I lived in another state, and didn't suspect any of this from our previous visits. Then, I got a phone call out of the blue one sunny summer afternoon. My reaction was shock, disbelief, anger, desperation, and intense grief. Though we were told the adoption would be "open" and that we would be able to see him again, I couldn't imagine how this would ever, ever be OK. The pain was worse than anything I had ever experienced. And I was just the aunt.
Fast forward. We survived the process, our family healed and my nephew is thriving with his adoptive parents. We, his birth family, are part of his extended adopted family. They are loving and capable people. People we are truly grateful to have in our lives. And yet, there is still a hole, a missing, a place I'm not sure will ever be filled. I'm concerned that my sister hasn't completely dealt with her loss, indescribably deeper and more profound than my own. And I still wonder — occasionally — if we couldn't have made it work somehow.
It's estimated that about 60 percent of Americans have a personal connection to adoption — either by adopting a child, relinquishing a child for adoption, being adopted, or knowing someone who's been involved in an adoption.
NPR's Scott Simon has written a memoir of his own adoption experience, subtitled "In Praise of Adoption." He and his wife have two daughters they adopted from China, and he describes adoption as "a miracle." We'll talk with him before his Portland lecture and with other Northwest families about their experiences and perspectives, about what adoption has meant to them.
Are you an adoptive parent? Did you relinquish your child for adoption? Did someone in your family? How did that experience change you? Were you adopted? Was that fact an issue as you were growing up? Are you considering adopting? What questions do you have about the process or outcomes of adoption?
Tagged as: adoption · child welfare
Photo credit: aspheric.lens / Creative Commons
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I'm an adoptive dad of 2 wonderful girls, originally from China. They are smart, beautiful, energetic and tenacious. I couldn't be a happier, or more proud dad.
Scott Simon is a brilliant journalist and author - also a sensitive and intelligent adoptive dad! Adoptive parents rejoice that we have such a great guy giving voice to our hopes, fears, joys, insecurities and loves. I am nearly done with his new book and it's wonderful.
Also, footnote - Scott is speaking at the PCPA in Portland on Oct 4th. Should be a great night.
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A kind, intelligent, successful couple I know is planning to adopt a baby from Africa. They are not African. They've never been there. They have no particular connection to Africa. The reality is they are spending 10s of thousands of dollars, years of their lives, and travelling great distances to adopt a baby. They told me the reasons they were going to these great lengths and expense is because it is even more expensive and takes even longer to adopt a baby born in the US - five years versus two, 20k vs 40k
Natural curiosity made me wonder why is the system set up so that sensible people, (Scott Simon Included), are going across the world to adopt babies when it would seem there's an abundant homegrown supply?Maybe there is not an over supply? The higher prices for American babies suggest by the rules of supply and demand there must be a scarcity of American babies and great supply of foreign babies available.
Maybe there are fewer babies given up for adoption because of the subsidies given to single moms? Mom and Uncle Same are raising the babies instead of some nice childless couple. Maybe relatively easy access to abortions means fewer children eligible to adopt? This is not a moralizing just some hypotheses.But isn't it common knowledge that there's an oversupply of kids in the Foster system? Well if it cost so much for potential parents to adopt so no wonder they stay in the system. Don't they pay Foster care parents. Why would they adopt?
Why would it cost so much to adopt? The child has already been born for goodness sake? I mean Stevens-Ness has got to have a legal form for that that only costs $2.00. Love is free. I can only imagine there's some bureaucratic legalistic complex that's exploiting the nurturing instincts of the childless?What's really going on here?
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Wow, there is a lot of bad info in this post.
First, for me, adopting from the US was much less expensive than adopting overseas.
The cheapest way to adopt in the US is through foster care. Asking why someone would adopt when "they pay foster care parents" implies the only reason anyone cares for foster kids is because they're paid to do it. That may be so in many cases, but most foster parents are good people trying to help kids have a bit of stability to their lives. Isn't a forever home better than a temporary home? People who can't produce genetic children themselves can still be excellent parents. If they have the resources to adopt and care for a child who has lived in the foster system, god bless 'em.
Many infertile people long for an infant or can't adopt through foster care. Some will pay whatever they can afford to become a parent. Infertility treatments are expensive and very difficult. Adopting is never certain, but it's a lot more certain than getting pregnant at 40. It was my only choice. Should it cost less? You betcha. Are there people who profit from adoption? Sure. Is there unnecessary bureaucracy? Yes.
But there are also amazing adoption agencies who counsel expecting moms about all of their options, provide families with counseling, and focus on what's best for the child. Those services cost money, but save a lot of people a lot of heartache by ensuring everyone knows what they're doing and that they're really committed to making sure the child is in the best situation.
Finally, I have to address the unasked question in the first paragraph: "why would a white family from the US adopt from another country when there are plenty of white babies here at home?" I am the white mother of a black child who joined us through domestic adoption. His birth mom chose us to parent him, and he has been the greatest blessing of our lives. Once you adopt, you're not going to be genetically related to your child, so why not adopt a child who looks nothing like you? If you're able to love the child with all your heart, and if you're willing to expand your own world by learning about your child's birth culture so you can help them learn about it as they grow up, why limit one's family to an exact copy of what you already know? To me, that's a very narrow-minded way of thinking about family.
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Sorry, I meant a lot of bad info in the comment, not in the original post, which was actually very true and real. There are so many false rumors about adoption ... I see a lot of that misinformation in thx1138's questions. No offense meant, of course. Adoption is a complicated process, and hard to understand unless you've done it. When we were trying to have a baby the old-fashioned way and people said "why don't you just adopt?" I always said "it's a lot more complicated (and expensive) than you realize."
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Adoption shouldn't be easy. There are a lot of people looking to adopt for less than valid reasons. It's important that the process is thorough and educational for potential adoptive parents. Especially when adopting outside of your race. The money goes to the agencies that care for and counsel birth moms on their options and provide them with care after the baby is born. None of that is free. The adoption agencies can't work for free either. Our experience with 3 domestic adoptions was fair and thorough.
I would like to point out, as far as costs go, adopting through foster care is free. Sadly the most inexpensive adoptions are for children with disabilities and african american infants. It was a third of the cost for our family to adopt and african american infant. We have an african american son and wanted him to have a sibling of his race so this worked out for us, but it makes me sick just the same.
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Rebeccah,
You nor anyone really answered the question why perfectly sensible people are going to great expense and effort to adopt foreign-born babies. It's even more confounding if your assertion that it costs less in the US, ceteris paribus, is to be believed.What, you don't agree that love is free??! I based my questions on what I have been told. You assert there's bad info in my post. WOW, you don't say what it is except saying that adopting in the US is much less expensive. You don't site any statistics to back up your statements. I think some actual parents going through the process are more reliable than your "bad" unsupported assertions. My comment is mostly questions and hypothesis - not information. I admit I am ignorant about this topic. Unfortunately, the radio show didn't discuss comparative cost. Scott Simon did report there are waiting times for adoption from China. This corroborates my theory about supply and demand. One guest did assert it was free to adopt from the foster system. That's the only corroboration to your statement on costs.
Also, I resent the attribution of unasked questions to me. That was a sub-textual accusation that I am racist.
I for one have had it with unnecessary bureaucracies, out of line legal expenses, and unexplained delays - in anything. It seems particularly egregious with adoptions. These are the barriers that stop potential parents from adopting and you/one can do something about bu objecting and by not tolerating them. I am not a status quo supporter.
queenbeeof5 said: "Adoption shouldn't be easy. There are a lot of people looking to adopt for less than valid reasons."
First of all define a lot, what's your reference? Birth parents don't have to undergo background checks. Why should the bar be higher for unfertile folks (or whatever reason)? Don't get any ideas about requiring background checks and making unnecessary delays and expenses for the fortunate fertile.
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thx1138: I apologize if I misunderstood you or read something into your comment that you did not intend. It's great that we can all have this open and polite discussion.
I hope that sensible people adopt internationally because so many kids in other countries need homes, or because of an interest in the culture of those countries. I suspect that in some cases, sensible people look overseas because of the "bad information" that US domestic adoption is not possible or is more expensive.
I do believe that thinking about adoption in terms of supply and demand is not accurate or helpful. Children are not a commodity to be bought and sold, and adoption expense is not something that is determined by looking at a market price. If supply and demand determined the cost, then the cost would be very low indeed, because the "supply" (number of kids who need good homes) is far too high.
I can't explain why adoption is so expensive, except to list all the fees we had to pay -- adoption agency fees (agency staff led us through the complicated process and provided counseling for us and our son's birthmother to make sure we all understood the huge step we were taking), home study fees (state requires that adopting parents pass a home study, which includes fingerprinting and criminal background check plus a lengthy evaluation written by a licensed social worker), court filing fees, attorney fees (to draft documents required by the court, or if it's a private adoption, to pay for the lawyer's time) ... and on and on it goes. When you adopt internationally, there are other fees, such as the cost of interpreting foreign documents into English or into the other country's language, plane fare and lodging expenses in the other country, visa fees, etc.
I agree that it is unfair that infertile people have to "pay" to have children when fertile people do not. I agree that no one should "pay" for children because, as another commenter/adoptee noted, that seems like buying and selling children, which none of us want to have happen. I doubt that throwing out the whole system is the answer, though. The system is what it is because society wants to ensure that children are being placed in good homes. (Which of course brings up the question of whether all parents should have to endure background checks before procreating. Perhaps so!)
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As an adoptee adopted as an infant, I find it very marginalizing and offensive to be spoken about as a supply to be passed from a poor mother to a couple that's supposively more deserving because they are more economically advantaged.
I am not an oblivious possession. I am a thinking, feeling human being.
“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .” United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.
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The answer why is found in the statistics.
There are not enough of the type of children available that couples want to adopt available for adoption in the U.S. Only a small percentage (like two percent) of the demand is able to be met within the U.S. Meaning, the youngest as possible children. Despite the fact that over 120,000 legally adoptable children reside in U.S. foster care each year and cost nothing to maybe max $2,500 to adopt, people adopt overseas to increase the changes of getting a younger child. 90% of children adopted internationally are under the age of five.
Why does it cost so much? International adoption depends on the country. In the U.S. the most desired types of adoption cost the most.
Why? Supply and demand.
Adoption is one of the largest (three billion dollars per year and rising), unregulated (yes, unregulated) industries in the United States.
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I was adopted by my grandparents on my fathers side when I was 4. I think it was the most deliberately cruel move made. My Bio-father was the victim of a verbally abustve ugly woman. He had 4 marriages and became a drug addicted and importer. He put me in the hands of what ruined him. Yet legally he was to be known as my older brother. My bio-mother could visit me often. I remember once she came to visit with one of her several husbands and a baby girl. She said this was my step sister. What a slap in the face. In truth I think steps for adopting a child should be done before birth.
I had lost 3 children. I had two marriages. Mostly because of being single with uncontrollable epilepsy. One of them when to my second husband. The other adopted by parents unknown. After that I had my tubes tied. If you give your child up at least be aware of the adopted parents mental state. I suggest allowing the child the freedom to see you when they want to not the other way around. Also realize the pain you will have to endure for years to come before making that choice. Truthfully abortion might be far less painful. Do not make this a secret that will someday be exposed. The impact could be severe. Fully understand all the consequences for you (the bio mom), the adopter, and most of all the adoptee. Understand that the child may just be a spitting of you both mentally and physically before birth.
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I suspect my perspective on adoption is different than most. All of my first cousins and two of my nieces are adopted. No children were born into our family from my brother's birth in 1977 until his daughters were born in 2007.
My cousins and nieces joined our family as newborns, infants and toddlers. One has her original birth certificate and a photo of her birth mother. Two came from eastern european orphanages with no family history at all. All of them know their adoption stories.
I was to young to understand what my aunt went through to adopt her two children. All I knew was that it was an expensive proposition to just bring her son and daughter home with her. I was an adult when my uncle, his wife and my brother and sister-in-law adopted their children. I knew about the hurdles they needed to jump and endless fees that needed to be paid: from meetings with social workers to psychological evaluations to parenting classes to the bureaucratic red tape required to acquire US passports for their children born abroad.
I find it ironic that these parents who clearly demonstrate their desire for children and literally put their money where their mouth is, are screened so carefully. While men and women who have children "the old fashioned way" can become parents regardless of whether they are ready or not.
I am not suggesting that adoptive parents should be able to skip the asessments and classes. In addition to the seemingly endless challenges of parenthood, adoptive parents can be faced with their own set of issues. It can be heartbreaking to watch a parent trying to bond with a child raised in an orphanage. Or a frightened parent going from doctor to doctor trying to diagnose and address medical issues that are extremely rare in the US.
I don't have any realistic suggestions to ensure that all potential parents go through the assessments and classes required of adoptive parents. But I do believe that requiring the potential parents in my family to negotiate and articulate their parenting styles before bringing children into their lives served them well. And I suspect the same would be true for birth parents as well.
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We have twelve children, two who joined our family by birth and ten who joined by adoption in China. I thought that our family was complete after our first two children had joined our family, but my wife wanted to add another child by adoption. I resisted the idea for several years but eventually came to share her view that raising children was the most satisfying thing that we did, so it made sense to expand our opportunity to do that. I was convinced that it was important to adopt an infant. Because of our age, China was one of the few places in which we could do that. We adopted our first daughter in China in 1996, our second in 1998, and our third in 2002, at which point we thought that we were done adding children to our family. However, my wife suggested that we consider adopting a son in China, which I readily agreed to do. Because boys are usually abandoned in China for medical reasons, in contrast to girls, who are usually abandoned because they are girls, we knew that we would be pursuing the adoption of a comparatively older boy with special needs. We proceeded to adopt two boys in China, in 2004 and 2005, followed by another daughter in 2006, and two more sons in 2007. We adopted our last two sons in China in December 2009, who were 11 and 13 years old, respectively, when we adopted them. In addition to our oldest son and daughter, we have virtual quadruplets grouped around age 14, a twelve year old, and virtual quintuplets grouped around age 10. Our Chinese children are bilingual, and most of them are in Mandarin immersion programs in school. They feel closely tied to China while also viewing themselves as typical American kids. Our experience adding older children to our family, including children with health conditions and challenges, reflects a progression in my views. I had thought that it was important to adopt healthy infants in order to ensure that we could successfully integrate them into our family. I came to realize that that was not true. The challenges that we have faced in adding children to our family have not differed significantly among our children, even as our children have been progressively older at their adoption. I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to learn that. And my wife and I feel very fortunate to have been able to create our family through the adoption of many of them in China. We believe that our family is complete, which probably is a good thing for people in their 60's!
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I am very troubled by the concept of a first time adoptive parent being the 'expert' on adoption, and going on tours promoting adoption as the be all and end all. Where are the adult adoptee voices who have actually LIVED the experience and knows the up and down side? Where?
Will this show truly explore all facets of adoption? Both the good and the bad?
Will it explore the troubling aspect of living life with no medical history and the consequenses that is still being ignored. That pat answers from agencies that they take a history at time of adoption, when we know that 20, 30, 40, 50 years later many things have changed, and that adoptees are impacted or worse without that knowledge you would have if raised in your family of birth?
Will it explore the concerns voiced by adult adoptees who were adopted internationally into transracial homes? the loss of their culture, their homeland, their language, their family?
Will it explore the basic concept of identity that becomes more and more important as the adopted person ages? Where did I come from. Who are my ancestors. Who am I.
Will it explore that the thoughts of a child may change as life experiences, knowledge and feelings change? That the birth of their first child may trigger a cascade of issues surrounding their adoption. That other life experiences may provide them with words to put to the feelings they may have always had but could not describe?
Will it explore the power imbalance between families in poverty and families in relative wealth that adopt their children?
Will it explore ways to promote family preservation?
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I'm an adoptee and an adoptive mother. When deciding where to adopt from, I couldn't help but remember that Oregon family, who some years ago, had their 2 year old daughter taken from them by an a biological father who won custody. I couldn't bear to have something like that happen. We looked to overseas with this in the back our minds.
On the subject of it not being good for the children to come to America, how is growing up on the street or in an orphanage better than a loving family here? My older daughter, from Vietnam, has easily treatable medical issues. They would not have gotten treated where she was in Vietnam. She likely would have brain damage from malnutrition had she stayed.
Our younger daughter is from China. She would be living in an orphanage.
We do our best to expose them and teach them about their heritages of birth. We give them tools and will continue to help them grieve about their loss of birth family, as all adoptees must do.
I'm looking forward to todays' discussion.
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" When deciding where to adopt from, I couldn't help but remember that Oregon family, who some years ago, had their 2 year old daughter taken from them by an a biological father who won custody"
Taken from them? He is the biological father of that child, he has more rights to that child than they do. The child was taken from him, why shouldn't he "take" the child back? More than likely, the child was placed for adoption with out his consent, which is illegal. Basically, the child was stolen from him.
I understand that "loosing" a child you've raised for a little while is painful (my family fostered several children while I was growing up), but don't you think it's painful for the biological parents to loose their child? Adoptive parents can always find another child. They will eventually get over their "loss". They might not forget it, but they do heal from it. Biological parents never get over their loss. They never gain closure, and they are never afforded the ability to heal from it completely.
I mean no offense by any of this, but I do not agree with how the first part of your post was phrased.
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I attended Mr. Simon's reading and book signing at Politics and Prose Bookstore in Washington, DC on October 2. I intended to ask him if he will be willing to dedicate as much time and effort to helping his daughters find their first families if they choose to do so as he and his wife dedicated to securing their adoptions. However, the bookstore owner closed questions after a mere 5 questions (mine would have been question #6)...having opened the q/a by stating that she did not want the conversation to degenerate into an argument about open versus closed records. With that sort of supportive censorship, I fear that Mr. Simon will continue to publicize his one-sided version of adoption.
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I've worked in a hospital as a postpartum nurse and have witnessed the joy in parents receiving babies and the difficult decision parents make in giving up their children.
A valuable resource is www.IAATP.com this is The Infant Adoption Awareness Training Program website.
www.spaulding.org includes information on adoption resource materials that can be ordered via the website.
Spaulding's mission is: "In collaboration with families, communities, and local, state, and national organizations, Spaulding will assure that all children grow up in permanent families and have the help they need to be successful in life."
My dream is this material become as common knowledge as the American Red Cross and all they do to save lives.
Karla Nussbaum
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I was born in 1956 in Paris, France to French parents. At five days old I was handed to two American parents who traveled to Paris upon hearing of my birth. If was friends of friends that put my adoptive parents in touch with the doctor.
I've spent the past fifteen years actively seeking information about my biological family in France. It is possible I was an "X" Adoptee, meaning my mother paid for complete anonymity by not being required to sign her name to any documents associated with the birth or clinic stay. It's possible her name is written somewhere, but I don't know that.
I created a web-page in 1999 which documents the facts as I know them and many have emailed me as a result of finding my site, but none with information that led anywhere. www.neuilly-sur-seine.org
I also have a Facebook page, Born in Paris, France 1956.
I feel as if I not only lost my first family, but also my heritage.
My daughter also gave up a child for adoption at age 18 months. Her story is similar to that which was shared above.
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Hello.
Thank you for addressing this issue. I would like to offer another way to phrase the beginning of the adoption process. You used the words "relinquished" or "given up for adoption." Another way to say this is "placed for adoption," which more aptly describes the event as a choice, rather than inadvertently perpetuating the negative stereotypes often associated with adoption.
My story: I was adopted at birth; found my birth-mother's family in my mid-twenties, who have only been warm and welcoming and now are some of the most important relationships in my life.
I am currently pursuing adoption, as a single woman, age 44, through open adoption, using the agency, Open Adoption & Family Services. They have been wonderful.
I am planning to hear Scott Simon speak tonight, which I am looking forward to very much!
Thank you.
Jackie Shelpman-Woolery
503-984-4494
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That is a chilling and useful account in the introduction. Of course adoption should be spoken about and it should not be kept as a dark secret. But that personal story reminds us that adoption is not really entirely a blessing or something that should be praised. Yes, adoptive families may say it is a miracle, but it is certainly a bittersweet miracle, and it is hard to escape the reality that on some level a child was not wanted, or could not be cared for. I was not adopted, but certainly if I had been orphaned I would have been grateful to have been, but from most points, adoption is really the lesser of evils. The best thing would be for it not to have been necessary in the first place.
Our views towards adoption may not be entirely logical, and they may be heavily influenced by religion and its views towards what a proper or normal family should be. Even so, it seems like it would be hard to escape the feeling of rejection that being given up by your biological parent or family would bring. I am not sure what the rejection really means, or intellectually how important it is, but it certainly gets inside your skin. It feels like some kind of gut-wrenching unpleasantness. I suppose being given up after a parent has already begun to care for you, could seem like a larger grievance. How could you not entertain the thought that at some point your parent(s) gave up on you? Maybe these are all the wrong thoughts, and maybe life is much more about practicalities then this, and maybe in the long run what is the best option for the parents and the child is what matters, but my emotions say something else. So much of life is about love, it is what we seek, it is what we hope to receive---for a little persons first opportunity at love to end in rejection, that seems like a tragedy.
From the other side, it is terribly kind that people adopt, that they give a child both love and family. It is hard to make sense of what the right reasons to adopt are, or if the reasons are clearly defined, or if they matter at all. Adoption is sometimes not simply an altruistic act, people often do want a child, and adoption is their means at getting one. I wonder how adoptions fair in the long wrong, if there are differences between adoptions that are done out of necessity versus adoptions that are done purposefully? It seems like it would be easy for the purposeful adoptions to turn into acts of sympathy---and a child is not a charity.
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There are many happy and many sad stories connected with the good intentions of adoption. We 've experienced our own, other family and friends who've brought one or sibling adopted child into their family.
Care and awareness are urgently needed.
The research says that many adopted kids will have a rough time with some life stages, such as starting school, adolescence, and divorce of the adoptive parents. They may need additional awareness or even some counselling.
The good loving intentions of the families may not be aware or prepared for these.
In addition, there is the underlying questions that are in many kids' minds, that aren't in the logical adult parent minds.
'What was so wrong with me, that I was given away" etc.
Like sex ed, there are appropriate developmental stages for these parents brining up these questions.
A book suggested in adoptioni therapy with some of these questions is
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
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A few years ago, I created a "Lifebook" for my adopted daughter. This was an incredibly difficult exercise, but I think it's something that would help all adopted and foster care kids cope with their sense of loss.
A Lifebook (not a scrapbook!) is a book which explains to the child, in language they can understand, the circumstances of their adoption. I made a huge attempt to include ALL the information I could round up. I think this will help my daughter understand that we didn't withhold information from her - a great step in developing trust.
For more information refer to: Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child by Beth O'Malley.
http://www.amazon.com/LifeBooks-Creating-Treasure-Adopted-Child/dp/0970183275/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1286210429&sr=8-1
Marian
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I and my wife have adopted four children from India. We had previously had two children biologically. I was also adopted as a two year old.
I grew up in a very leftist Portland family and had a lot of the objections that some people have with international adoption (that it is a form of cultural imperialism that I have heard from some Indians and others).....but the truth of international adoption does not bare it out.
Our first son from Calcutta, was 11 pounds at 18 months, when I went with my best friend to India, to get him. His health issues would have insured that he would not have lived. Now he is a very short but brilliant young boy of 10.
Our second child from India was three and was misdiagnosed with epilepsy though she had severe seizures. The epileptic medication reduced her mental capacity severely but after she was correctly diagnosed at OHSU she now reads and is at age level education. She had several other health issues that would not have been resolved.
The third and fourth were siblings and the girl had polio. She is now a state level swimmer.
The objections people have to adopting interationally that goes like "charity begins at home" which I have been told is best answered by saying "if you feel so strongly about this then maybe you should be charitable". This is usually a red herring. We have had lots of friends who have adopted through the state. Internation Adoption is hard. State adoptions, often through the foster parent system is brutal. There are exceptions but that has not been our friends experiences. I agree with your guest that the foster care system is not working and it actually prevents children from obtaining permanent parents.
The objection that we need to keep children with their biological parents is about 50 years out of date. That is what all reputable agencies do. I have lived in various countries and have been in dozens of orphanages. This is what all reputable orphanages do.
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Many of the families listening to the program this morning may have adopted children through the foster care system. In Oregon, the Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center is available, free of charge for these families. We provide training, information, lending library, advocacy and support. We have a toll-free telephone line, e-mail access and website.
www.orparc.org
(503) 241-0799
(800) 764-8367
Thank you for bringing Mr. Simon to Portland.
Audrey Riggs
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When asking, "What's the one thing you'd change about adoption?" the elephant in the room is increasing the number of potential adoptive parents through allowing adoption by same-sex couples. There are at least seven states where this is not allowed, and in most where it is it's still very difficult to do. There are additional areas where same-sex couple adoption is prohibited on a countywide basis.
I think a segment of this program devoted to exploring same-sex adoption would be interesting, for sure.
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About loss of family history: I was trying to search out my family tree and found out that a courthouse fire a few generations ago caused the loss of records and left me with a, um blank end. I feel a loss about that but I know that others have suffered far worse losses than that. We just keep keeping on.
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I have very mixed feelings about adoption because of the situation my family has encountered. My younger brother's daughter was given up for adoption a few years ago without his consent and against his wishes in Utah. After a lengthy and expensive round of court battles, he lost and to this day has never even seen a picture of his daughter. Nor has anyone else on the father's side been allowed to be involved with her life. The mother enjoys an open adoption with the adopted family, who were also very aware of my brother's wishes to keep his daughter. I can't help but think there are other scenarios like this one and so have issues with adoption in general. If things like this are allowed to happen, I can never think of it as an "unselfish act", rather it seems to me to be one of the most selfish acts this young women made. I worry about the day my bother's daughter is old enough to realize what happened and how hard my bother fought to have her.
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I completely agree with everything you said.
Unfortunately, Utah is the absolute worst state to have an adoption take place for the birth family's side of things. The laws there have been made to provide NO protection to the biological family, or the child, only to ensure that the adoptive parents and the adoption agency get what they want. Some agencies actually fly birth mothers out to Utah to give birth, just so that they have less "problems" to deal with. I am sorry for you and your family's loss. I can honestly say that I understand your pain.
Also, several posters have said something along the lines of there not being enough people willing to adopt children, that the supply is greater than the demand. Maybe this is true internationally, as well as with foster care adoptions, but not with domestic infant adoption. With domestic infant adoption, the demand is far more than the "supply", especially for white babies. This is why the average cost to adopt a white infant in the US ranges anywhere from 15 to 30 thousand dollars, while an African American or bi-racial baby only costs 9 to 15 thousand dollars. These people aren't adopting out of the "goodness of their hearts", most are adopting because they can't have children and have no other choice.
Domestic infant adoption is no longer about finding families for needy babies, it's about finding babies for needy families.
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My husband and I adopted our son three days after his birth in 1987.
We expected to have a normal child and family life going into the future....this did not happen. He was a beautiful, healthy infant, but he began to exhibit difficulties very early on. We had been givin NO information that the child might display difficulties early on.
He displayed what seemed to be anxiety displayed in his acting out by fussing early on, having screaming tantrams later, aggressive behavior towards other children, and finally a very difficult teen years, and continuing into difficulties in his young adult years.
We had to search and search for information and understanding as to why this was happening to him (and us). Counselors we consulted in Portland were NO help. Finally I read The Primal Wound, by Nancy Verrier and discovered his behaviours virtually perfectly fit the behaviors discribed in her book. Adopted children often act out their grief and loss in one of two ways; Act perfect to avoid being given away again, or act out in agressive and distructive ways to see what it will take to be given away again. Our son did the former.
When he was turning 16 we sent him to an emotional growth boarding shool to keep him safe and in an atempt to help him. He continues to struggle. We are hoping for the best.
What concerns me is the lack of information and help to parents adopting a child. Perhaps there is fear people will not adopt if they are to expect problems later. But it is such a disservice to parents and children to withhold this vital information that could help parents and children early on.
What is forgotten in the process is the effect on these children....what works for all the grownups in this process, does not work for chilldren! Children are devistated with grief/ loss. Including children adopted at birth. 99% of people I talk with have no the negative effect adoption has on otherwise healty children.
Parents need advise to watch for, seek help early for distressed adopted children. Satistics that show emotional growth progams are filled with adopted children, prisons have a over representation of adopted children. Obviously there are serious issues for adopted children that need study.
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While I adore Scott Simon, I'm sorry you ended the hour with his perspective. Scott is very positive, but very "young" to the adoption story. His perspective is that of youthful idealism. His children are young and he has not, and may never experience the more difficult and heartbreaking aspects of adoption. But those heartbreaking stories are out there in spades.
He stated more that once, "Adoption is not a trauma". That statement is akin to a man saying childbirth is not painful. Adoption is a trauma, for both the infant who is separated from his/her birthmother, and the birthmother, who must relinquish her child - often a decision made under extreme duress.
As an adoptee I will say, unequivocally, that the trauma experienced at birth, and the subsequent feelings of always being on the outside, have colored my self-image and shaped my relationships in monumental ways.
I suggest Scott read, THE PRIMAL WOUND, by Nancy Verrier.
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Judith, thank you for this post. As an adoptee, I found myself wondering where the adoptee voice was in this episode. I was able to catch the second half of the show, so maybe I missed it, and if I did, I'm sorry, because I found most of what I listened to in the second half pretty disheartening. I nearly had to pull my car over, I was so angry at listening to Scott Simon talk about the miracle of adoption, and how in his (privileged) view, adoption is not a trauma.
The assumption underlying such a blanket statement is, "If you're experiencing trauma, it's your own fault, because adoption is such a blessing and miracle--how could you possibly not see all the rainbows and happiness?" This kind of thinking completely ignores the challenges and realities of the adoptee and birthmother experience, and reflects an inability to move past the superficial stereotypes we have of adoptions ending happily ever after.
Mostly, I'm disappointed that once again, adoptees, the very center of this exchange, seem to be left out of the conversation, while adoptive parents are given the privilege of being "experts" on adoption.
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I was signing in to make the very same remarks as the previous writer made so well. I too am a huge fan of Scott Simon but on this subject he is very naive. Adoptionis a trauma for everyone involved. I gasped when I heard him say this. He had not done his homework and has used his pulpit to speak about adoption without exploring it's long lasting effects on all involved.
I also want to add, it shocking to me hear people like Scott say they found it too difficult to adopt in the US so they went to China, when there are thousands of available foster/DHS children in the US available and not being adopted. I think people fear these children come from "inferior" gene pools and have too much trauma. Why do they think they have a better chance a in this lottery going to China or Africa just because these kids have no record of their past. I think without these records, family can somehow believe in some sweet fairy tale like Scott's that a loving, healthy mother, stood in the shadows tearfully seeing her child picked up in a fluffy bundle on the steps of a church or factory. What a fairy tale!
Scott, I second, read THE PRIMAL WOUND!
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I, too, thought of the word "privilege" when I heard Scott Simon speak. I actually turned off the radio after a few minutes.
Mr. Simon speaks as someone who did not see his child's birthmother sob -- hysterically and inconsolably -- as her newborn left with a different set of parents. He did not have to witness the separation of his children from their parents; they had already experienced that when he met them, so he can tell himself that it was all for the best. I saw my child's loss first-hand, and it is one of the most important facts I will tell him about how I became his parent. His mother loved him, and she grieved at losing him. She was very clear and firm about her decision to place him for adoption. She could not take care of him because of her life circumstances, which were incredibly difficult. But that did not mean she didn't love him and it did not mean that losing him was not incredibly traumatic for her.
Even in an open adoption where the families maintain contact, and even in adoptions where everyone makes their peace with what has happened, there is loss at some level. Denying that is denying the reality of the hard life circumstances that enable adoption to exist as a concept. We are able to parent our children only because their birth parents could not. Failing to honor that loss, it seems to me, is failing to acknowledge a hugely important part of our children's life story.
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I agree with all the above comments and to Lena who only heard the second half of the program. Notably, Mr. Simon also only heard a portion of the show prior to going on air. I was the person (adoptee) who called into the show. I told a portion of my story-which is very long. And, "it" happend after too much champagne while on a cruise to Europe in 1962.
I called when the show intro spoke of the high numbers of 1960's female babies. I wasn't sure where the show was going..open/closed, national adoptions/international, healthy relationships/disfunctional etc.. Trauma had not come on to the show yet, but I guess I danced around it when I spoke of my need to know based on health and medical issues and genetics (likes/dislikes, looks, being more artistic, more active and curious than my birthfamily)
I beg to differ that my birthmom(BM) was not traumatized by the whole experience. She does not want to meet me and wants no further contact from me. This is after she had contact with my case worker who read a letter or two from me. She found out that I was safe and a happy, healthy, contributing member of society. I think that may have helped soothe some pain.
Mr Simons comments sends shivers down my spine stating that "adoption is an experience, get over it"!! OMG. It does define me as much as being a 47 yr old married caucasion woman and mother of 3 children does! As well as many other ways to numerous to list. I feel that this poor woman(BM) has shouldered this "secret" by herself for her lifetime! I did mention on the show that I cannot believe keeping such a secret, ever, much less from a spouse, other children (she has 3) etc... and the trauma of someone finding out!
For myself, it is something I will never "get over". As a child I enjoyed imagining her, her life, looks, family. My adoptive family has an incredibly long and healthy age span. I enjoy and sometimes" forget" it is not really "my" genes. And, lest we forget, the birthfather! I know nothing and BM will not forward any info regarding him. Does he know? How can that be an "experience" if he never knew, I don't know and BM won't tell? Sounds like a little trauma for everyone. Adoption is not something to "get over" but an ongoing, open life event.
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One topic I've never heard in the discussion of adoption and finding birth parents is traumatic circumstances.
How do adoptees handle it if they find out that they were born as a result of rape or incest? How do the birth mothers handle having these children show back up? How do the adoptive families handle it?
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@katied - We find that the circumstances of our conception are only a minor pain, compared to NOT knowing. I was not guilty of raping my mother, so I don't feel badly about it.
In my own case, both biological parents did not handle my reappearance after over 50 years well. That speaks volumes about how society shamed them for their actions in the distant past. It is small consolation that my birthmother is described by her other son as "a bitter old woman who drinks too much." Hmmm- could it be a lifetime of remorse?
You seem to be preoccupied with pain for the adopted family, or the birth family. Try living a life inconstant fear of offending anyone, of being the consummate people-pleaser. That's the life of an adoptee who was taken from the only world he had ever known and placed in an orphanage, then taken from that world to a family he did not know.
Of course we adopted people grow to love our adoptive families; ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?
Mr Simon is in denial of the reality. China is a corrupt society where children are commonly taken from birth parents by local officials and sold to agencies, who then claim the child was found on a doorstep with no documentation; meanwhile the birth parents are searching desperately to find out what happened to their kidnapped child.
As long as there are parents willing to pay large sums for children, the abuses will continue. Mr Simon would no doubt condemn his listeners for buying "blood diamonds" from Africa, yet when it comes to fulfilling his own needs to parent, has no problem buying an undocumented child.
There is only one way to ethically adopt internationally, and that is to demand complete documentation, meet and confirm the birth parents' willingness to surrender their child to strangers, and maintain contact with those who carry the child's biological heritage.
Otherwise go to the animal shelter and adopt a dog.
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I just wanted to comment on how disappointed I was with the interview with Mr. Simon. There was very little effort to highlight the issues and negatives surrounding international adoption.
There is an understandable tendency amongst adoptive families to want to pat themselves on the back and emphasize how they have "saved a life". For the adoptee themselves, however, it is not being saved. It is exchanging one difficult fate for another, slightly less difficult, if you are lucky, fate.
I am the child of an international adoptee and every, single, day I deal with the legacy of having a not white face, despite having no knowledge of my mother's birth culture. My mother and I are constantly reminded of our "otherness" both growing up and into adulthood. When we look in a mirror, it is a surprise to see ethnic faces staring back at us. This is reality for ALL international adoptees, no matter how well adoptive parents integrate birth culture. You are different, you are adopted and you should be grateful for being saved, gosh darn it!
I urge everyone who is considering international adoption to check out this site (and the sites it links to) and ask yourself some serious questions: http://www.adoptinginternationally.com/
Instead of "saving" a child by taking them from their birth culture to be raised in white society, where they will be always reminded of their "special-ness" and "unique-ness" (take it from me, being overly senstive about race can be just as bad/worse than being slurred.) how about we send money to sponsor such children while they remain in their birth country?
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There is an interesting dynamic occurring in some comments around the ‘acceptance’ of adoption. The idea is that to remove the stigma that adopted children/people feel we should essentially turn adoption into some banal or trivial event, or as Mr. Simon said, ‘a circumstance’. I think this is a trite view, that strives for acceptance or understanding by pretending nothing out of the ordinary occurred. Adoption may be peaches and cream for many (and the many are usually the people/couples doing the adopting, not the child being adopted), but it is still an oddity of this life, it is not something one generally hopes for or wishes on others. And, at the same time we have people advocating that it should be easier to find their biological families, we have people seeking them out---this alone is enough to suggest that adoption is a complex subject with many sides. If adoption meant nothing, then why do many have the desire to find their biological parents?
Adoption is certainly a circumstance, (isn’t everything?), and it would be hard to make a case that adoption is always an entirely negative circumstance, but it would be harder still, to make a case that adoption is a positive circumstance. Adoption is a subject that makes people question what family is, how important biological roots are, do these roots mean anything substantive, do people have an obligation to care for what they give birth to, and what does it mean if they can’t or won’t? Is 'placing' your child for adoption meant to be seen as some meaningless decision, like deciding between a slice of pepperoni or cheese pizza? Adoption doesn’t need to be glossed over so people feel good about themselves, this is the wrong kind of idea---people don’t need that to feel good about themselves. Yes, the adopted are normal, they are human like anyone else and with the same potentials, that should be stressed, that should be accepted, but it should not be done so by pretending that their circumstances are or were ideal.
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I am a birthmother, I read the article. Once again I hear the delight of the adoptive parents who have just purchased a live human being that has been removed from her mother and her culture. Yes, they acknowledged it was a sad time. But, does anybody really know how sad it is? The child has a whole in her heart that can never be filled even with all the love and attention she will get from her new familly. Will anyone ever acknowledge the fact that she has been traumatized, what about when she is a teenager looking for her true identity, will she find it? Every one is so happy, so happy that her needs get unnoticed. Adoption can be a good thing but I think the childs needs are much more important than the parents happiness and that seems to be pushed by the wayside.
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Scott Simon glossed over the triangle of loss that is adoption. His attempt to be positive is at the expense of the truth. Adoption means loss and pain for all parties involved. Not facing that fact is a formula for repressing the pain that is there.
Another lie perpetrated by this program was that couples only can adopt domestically if they want a single child or don't mind adopting a fostered child. Financially privileged international adoptive parents often perpetuate the myth that domestic adoptions and biological sibling adoptions are hardly possible.
What is true is that our society's attitudes about race and class mean that wealthy white parents who are biased to only want to adopt white infants may not have it easy in terms of the roadblocks, waits and costs of adoption. Our society's racist attitudes create a demand for white infants that outstrips the supply of relinquished children. And class/economic differences often preclude adoptions of minority infants or do not enable impoverished families to take advantage of adoption tax incentives available to higher income earning families for example. So the fact is that many minority and underprivileged children in the United States languish while being shuttled between foster homes for their childhoods rather than being placed in adoptive homes. That is not to say that the trauma of adoption is less burdensome to society than the trauma of being fostered, but there surely is something to be said for being raised in one healthy family situation.
Shifting financial incentives away from fostering and to poor familes who would want to adopt if they had the funds to do so would greatly decrease our poorly spent social services dollars that inadequately subsidize fostering. What this talkk show also failed to focus on is the heroic work done by couples who decide to foster, especially those who do so out of other motivations than the paltry state stipend that comes with the foster child. When our media focuses on foster situations where abuse occurs, this does the majority of foster families a huge and undeserved disservice, and discourages others from fostering who would do so for the right motivations.
In the end both adopting and fostering depend on the heart of compassion and acceptance that is present within a loving household.
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I, like Tamera, am an adoptee and birthmother. I was adopted in 1979 and placed my first child for adoption in 1997. I am curious why we can't recognize that being separated from bio family as being a Trauma. Trauma doesn't mean we can't deal or handle it. I think on the contrary it equips people to seek help when things do come up. I believe recognizing the hard parts of adoption honors the experience for all parties. Loss can also provide different opportunities. Meeting my birth mother was probably one of the most emotional and healing things I have experienced. Having my adoptive mother support it made it that much more helpful. Our relationship has actually gotten more real and meaningful now that it has happened and so many things have been processed. It is profound to know why I look the way I look, where I get certain characteristics, what things are uniquely mine etc. I appreciate when people can just sit with the hard parts of adoption in a real and honest way then learn and move forward with changes that honor all members of the adoption triad/constellation. It’s not all rosy and it’s not all bad.
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While Simon may be a happy and fulfilled adoptive parent to his children from China, his simplistic view of how they came into his life demeans the mother of the children who gave them life, demeans the culture they came from, and demeans them as individuals who have been uprooted from their culture and heritage and ignores what being raised by genetic strangers does to them.
I know many adoptive parents who do not take his attitude and understand that every adoption begins with a trauma, and nice words--and even love--can not gloss over that.
For a discussion of Simon and his book see
<a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2010/10/simple-simon.html">First Mother Forum</a>
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As they say in the garage sale world, "one man's junk is another man's treasure."
I'm not comparing children to junk or treasure.
What I mean to say is that a miracle for an adoptive parents is a tragedy for the biological parents. And their relinquished children.
You are clueless, Scott Simon. And what's worse, you and your wife have taken advantage of another human being's situation, as in the biological parents' predicament, whether that is poverty, lack of resources, confusion, or coercion by adoption agencies, to acquire your children. To meet your own needs and desires!
Your daughters will suffer over the loss of their natural family. No matter how big a house, how great an education, how many gifts or opportunities you provide.
This is no miracle. It is about your needs.
Get over your Chinatown thing and face the reality of what you have done. As in, break up a family to "build" your own.
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"Were you adopted" suggests that it's one event. But it's more than that. Being adopted is a life that you life. You grow up in a context that is different than those around you. You're never not adopted; you always are. Yes, I am adopted.
Before I say any more, let's hurdle the inevitable stereotypes, yes I am a happy and fulfilled person. Yes I had a happy childhood. Yes, I am reunited and have integrated both of my families.
But adoption and child welfare are about more than me. Infants and children should not have to experience unnecessary separation from the only mothers they have ever known based on temporary poverty. The poor, especially poor women, tend to carry a lot of stereotypes. A child being born into poverty does not deserve to be separated from its mother if she is willing to parent. Separating her from her child because of poverty treats her in a way no one else in this world would want to be treated.
Adoption involves not only the initial devestating loss of a mother, but the continued social context of loss where you watch everyone around you embrace both nature and nuture. A constant reminder that you have been cut off at the roots. Furthermore, that 75% that don't "get it" are the first ones to tell adopted people that wanting to have access to their original lives and families is trivial. Something easy for someone that hasn't lived a day in their life not knowing who they are or where they come from, to be able to say.
I found Scott Simon to be offensive and many of his statements lacking the real reality of adoption.
To understand why requires a deep understanding of why children around the world end up in orphanages, why their families are not preserved, and the experience of those adoptees once they are adopted out. It doesn't mean that they do not love their Adoptive Parents or have positive relationships. But their voices are too often ignored.
Adoption is an ill-fitting reaction, not solution, to social issues that can be addressed at their roots. What it costs to adopt one child, if used towards family preservation, could start businesses for several hundred families to support themselves for a lifetime.
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I want to also chime in with the others to say that adoptees are the ones who need to be interviewed on adoption issues. Or really, at the very least, included.
We are the only ones who can really tell you what it is like to be adopted, but too often in our social and legal perpetual childhood, are our parents asked to speak for us. I have lived the life of an adopted person for over 25 years. I'd say that I have a pretty good idea of what it's like ;-)
"Adult adoptees are a primary source for knowledge about adoption as an institution. Their perceptions are unique, for adult adoptees are actually the only persons who can tell us what it is like to live adoption in a society in which most people are not adopted." --Child Welfare League of America
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I agree entirely. The program would have benefitted greatly from an adult adoptee voice.
Adoption seems to have become a hot button issue in the past few years and rarely do you ever see any media outlets make the effort to include grown adoptees in the discussion.
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I appreciated this post helping to increase awareness of how losing a child to adoption can affect mothers. I am not at all surprised that Ms. Frost's sister is still affected by the deep and profound loss of her child to adoption.
Many people do not realize the lack of protections for mothers who surrender their children in the US today. In most states, mothers have very little time to decide before irrevocably signing away all rights to their child, for the benefit of the lucrative baby broker profiteers and their customers.
Although open adoption arrangements are increasingly promised to mothers who consent to surrender their parental rights, in most states mothers have no rights to enforce these agreements, which are all too often broken.
Separation of children from their mothers and other relatives should be a last resort only after efforts to keep them together have been exhausted. Children separated from their families should be provided living arrangements that honor the truth about their origins and their connection to their families.
Dr. Bernadette Wright, past president Origins-USA
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Several years ago, I took my children and we spend two months working in orphanages in Tam Ky, Vietnam. It was both wonderful and heart-wrenching to see the international adoption process from the other side. I've been able to stay in touch with several of the children we knew as orphans (and now live stateside with adoptive families), but am I sure it's the best thing? No. International adoption gets tricky.
A friend of mine that had been adopted as a baby sought out her birth mother when she was diagnosed with cancer in her mid-20s. Her birth mother located her eventually, but by then she'd passed away. Now the mothers stay in contact, a bittersweet connnection, to be sure.
Looking forward to the show to hear Simon's take on the topic.