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It's not uncommon for people to ask young, healthy couples if they have children. When the answer is "no," there can be an awkward pause... and then maybe a question: why not? Some people choose to put off having children until they're financially ready or they've gotten to a certain point in their career, while others may have made the decision not to reproduce at all. The next installment of our As We Are series explores the idea of being "child free," and the varied reasons behind the choice.
People who choose not to have children may have medical limitations that would make childbirth or child rearing particularly onerous, or they may have physical traits that they would rather not pass on to the next generation. Others may choose not to have kids because of how it would change the way they live their lives. Some may put overpopulation and environmental concerns at the top of their list.
Have you chosen not to have children? When and why did you make this choice? How have your thoughts and feelings shifted over time? Have you felt pressure from your family or friends to have kids? How have you dealt with it?
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Tagged as: as we are · children · environment
Photo credit: boyghost / Creative Commons
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http://vhemt.org is a great site that speaks to this issue at length.
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yes, exactly
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I join others who are childless by choice; the world can only sustain a human population of 1.5 billion, but now we have almost 7 billion! I was privileged to volunteer in wildlife rescue and learned that mammals who truly live in the wild (not managed areas) intuitively reabsorb the fetus and become temporarily sterile when their colonies are overpopulated. Humans may have the most complex brains, but I believe we've lost our connection with the natural life force which, perhaps millions of year ago, let us know when to stop taking more from the earth than we need.
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Agree 100% VeganSyd. World governments and media still refuse to entertain the subject of real greed in our world. No one, at every level wants to "bite the hand that feeds them."
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To clarify, you choose not to reproduce for the sake of overpopulation. This is different from being childless, because you could always adopt, have a child and not contribute to overpopulation.
You could say that you are also childless as a way of maintaining a smaller carbon footprint because the consumption estimates of a single American child is equal to something like 30 children in India (not sure on the exact stat, but something very alarming).
SarahKate also made the similar mistake of distinction. Being childless and not reproducing are 2 different things.
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replying to amy-OR: " Being childless and not reproducing are 2 different things."
this depends on your definition. there are many ideas floating around out there about what childfree and childless should mean. i'm childless, childfree, and a part time step-parent---some kind of semi-parent-- all at once. that's according to my own definitions...
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to magdalen23,
I see your point. However, the context of my statement was that if you choose not to have children because of overpopulation, it is different from choosing to be entirely childless/free. My point is that there is a distinction, which I think you would agree with.
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I'm without children because I knew I didn't want the responsibility of raising them. I grudgingly admire my friends' children. But I have yet to feel envious or, "Aw shucks, isn't it cute how she puked on the cat?" The ringing in my ears subsides as I put distance between me and the Chernobyling cherubim of challenge.
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I am a childfree by choice woman in my mid-thirties. I never decided not to have children, it simply never occurred to me to want them. My body doesn’t want them, and my mind is perfectly happy to go along.
I’ve always felt this way. Even as a child I enjoyed the company of adults over other children. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I cherish my long hours of quiet and solitude that I feel I need to make my work as an artist. I can luxuriate in Saturday mornings sleeping in, drinking coffee, reading, and spending time with my partner.
Many people say they don’t want the responsibility of kids, and I suppose that’s the case for me as well. But it goes beyond shirking responsibility; for me it’s a matter of understanding what responsibilities I feel I capable of shouldering and that child-rearing is not an inevitable responsibility that we must all take on.
I have environmental concerns regarding over-population as well, but in my personal life this is secondary to not wanting kids to begin with. It does speak deeply to my concerns that there continue to be untouched and unpopulated places. Even if the earth were capable of sustaining our increasing population, at what cost would that be?
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During my prime child-bearing years my circumstances just weren't conducive to having children. Now that I'm in my 50s and married to a child-free man, I don't regret not having children. I've experienced no void, but I like kids and enjoy knowing them.
I have watched with sadness, however, over the years as my peers have grappled with the kids/no kids decision. It seems that so many are driven by the "what if" question, deciding it was easier to give in to familial pressure and the concern about "missing something" than the challenge of imagining a different kind of existence. Then, having one kid to satisfy their curiosity, they produce a second and third to conform with the notion that it's not healthy to have only one child.
I am concerned with reproduction as a sustainablity issue. Several of my environmentalist friends from college once engaged in robust debates about how to create a sustainable planet. They became silent as they started reproducing, often creating not just one, but two or three children. They can't defend their biological instinct, and can't apologize for their inability to apply reason to their reproductive urge. When issues of overpopulation come up, they argue that they will produce "enlightened" children, conveniently ignoring that even if they could guarentee their their children follow their lead, they have added to their carbon footprints.
It seems we've entered a new era that exalts reproduction and child-rearing as form of "consumption." When I was in my 20s (back in the 1970s) people discussed the social and environmental responsibility that goes with reproduction. I don't hear much of that these days, least of all from those who are of prime child-bearing age. When did bearing children become so fashionable?
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Thank you for this discussion.
While I may be young, I have never in my life wanted to bear my own children. It is indoctrinated in little girls that being "mommy" is the right feeling to have, I was often criticized, even as young as 12 and 13, for not looking forward to a traditional family life when I was older.
Even now, after giving a wealth of reasons not to have my own children, friends still tell me that my biology hasn't kicked in yet, wait until more of my friends and family have children, then I will feel "the urge" etc and so on. It's really insulting and yet completely socially acceptable behavior.
It's acceptable because the course of human history tells us that bearing children is in the public interest. Investment and growth of human capital has always been a public affair, as a matter of community survival. (that's another discussion)
While I have pretty much ruled out bearing my own children, I have not ruled out adoption. Unfortunately, adoption is far more costly, time consuming and in many cases less predictable than having your own children. With so many parentless kids in the world I find it rather shocking that our system is still set up to financially and socially favor reproduction over adoption. This is not to say that we shouldn't support those who choose to bear their own, but rather, that we should support those who are making the sustainable choice to adopt just as much.
As a final note, if on this forum, parents decide to tell the childless that they are missing our and don't know/understand the joy of raising kids, consider this...In recent surveys of families with and without children, those without are more likely to be happier than those with kids. I think this is a very enlightening article that seems to fairly reflect the emotional misnomers people often have about being a parent. (The surveys cited in this article do not include the 2006 Pew research that concluded people with or without children were reporting equally on happiness)
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People who choose not to have or acquire children because the world is too appalling are a bit silly. (I personally can't stand children, nor will I have any, not just because I am gay either, cause those gays are adopting and inseminating at every chance they get. They even made it to prime-time with Modern Family.) If you think the world is too gruesome to bring kids into, then why in the world are you in it? Check out.
I think the decision not to have children has to come down to more then the 'quality of the world' issue alone. It also should be about more then hating brats (although if you really can't stand kids---if you were to have some, they may notice this, and not turn out very well---so, refrain would be advised).
Some people don't have kids because they don't want the responsibility or the messy house. Some people don't have kids because they don't want to spend money on anyone but themselves. Some people don't have kids because they are afraid of the way they will turn out. What if they are ugly? Developmentally delayed? Cleft palate? Yuck. What sane person wants to bring that upon themselves, on purpose? Children are like having a never ending pet, that you actually have to talk to, protect, not leave home alone. Some people are afraid of children because they tell it like it is. Sometimes, they even know more then us, which is quite embarrassing, like on that show 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?'
Why don't I want kids? Because I hate myself. How could I possibly have enough love to give to someone else? I don't know what I am doing with my own life. I don't know how to live my life in a meaningful way. How could I possibly care for someone else, when I don't even know how to care for me?
Sometimes having children could seem like giving up on 'you.' It is too much of a finality, an end to the search for meaning. Too much of an unsatisfactory answer to the 'why we are here'. We are not ready to begin the cycle again by starting another life, when we haven't answered the questions for ourselves.
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Scottmil are you suggesting "check out" as in commit suicide? Because -- why?? I think your comment is not only inappropriate and dangerous, if you are suggesting checking out as in choosing death to leave the world and frankly I think administrators need to keep a better eye on these comments and remove such as yours.
Some of us childless or childfree types whether by reproductive choice or any other definition (thank you so not very much, nitpickers, for not addressing the real issues and choosing semantic quibbling instead) because WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE A BETTER WORLD by actions of our choice. That is why we are still around, Scottmil, and haven't killed ourselves to please the likes of sickos like you who no doubt by the tone of your post would like to see an overwhelming surge in population.
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I honestly, sunvalleysally, am not sure what the kerfuffle is about or what you are even talking about. I never at any point advocated having children and said I didn't want any.
Whether or not anyone wishes to commit suicide is their business. If you actually believe the world is such a terrible place that you would not want to bring children into it, then one reasonably has to ask why you are in it? We ask this because maybe by asking that question, it calls to question whether we ourselves actually believe the world is that bad. I know this, sunvalleysally, because I have tried suicide once myself, though it was a feeble affair because I am still here.
I am often one of those people who thinks the world is such a terrible place and thinking about the above actually gives me a little hope that I am sticking around for something, even if I can't quantify what that something is.
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Not all who are childless are happy with the "choice." There are many who "choose" to be childless after struggling with infertility or have the choice made for them because of medical issues. Even though some people come to the child-free life by way of infertility, they are often lumped in with those who happily choose not to have kids.
I've been struggling with unexplained infertility for three years. My partner and I are currently facing the questions of continuing to try, move to adoption (if we would be allowed to) or live without children. If we chose to live childless it will not be a happy choice for us.
Yona
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yona, thanks for that perspective. some people who decide to forgo ongoing infertility treatment, adoption, or otherwise not having biological kids despite wanting them... end up thinking of themselves as childfree and accepting, rather than unhappily childless.
i've seen it a lot, and i think (hope??) i'm joining their ranks. i hope that your situation works out in the happiest way possible for you.
personally, i like to "lump in" people who came to be childfree or childless together, because we share some common problems in society, culture, and politics, and we might be able to change that if we all worked together.
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I have choosen not to have childeren. But sometimes I feel like I will miss out by not having a child i.e help and companionship when I am old. But Over POPULATION is a major issue and I will not contribute to this problem by having childeren. It angers me that so many selfish people continue to have more than their fair share: 2 children (1 to replace each parent). I find it deeply disturbing that certain religous sects encourage birthing as many children as a woman can produce. This overpopulation will lead to increased crime, pollution, and war.
If everyone else was responsible: only have planned children and not more than 2 per couple, than I would indeed have a child. But because I see the impending doom lack of clean water, useable farm land, etc. etc. I will not. These people who choose to have several children should thank those of us who are making an effort to make their childs world a better place.
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I am so glad someone else out there thinks like me. I'm saddened to see so many people following ancient dictates by their respective religions to "go forth and multiply" despite the fact that the world's current state won't survive with this attitude. I can't believe that large families are being glorified on television (and I grew up in a family of 13 kids--which is where my zero population growth attitude came from). I am so depressed by people who have lots of kids, then don't teach them to be decent human beings. I don't feel like recycling because what good will it do if people keep reproducing at the current rate? I'm now sixty and am caring less and less about what happens to the Earth because I won't be around when it implodes. I do, however, feel sad for my sons (in their late twenties) and my granddaughter who is only 8. I don't talk about my fears with them.
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I don't have any children because I am not married and at 41 probably won't marry. I also have an eye disease that prevents me from driving, which always made me worry if I had a child how would I get it to the doctor or hospital if it became ill how would I get to the child's school if called and take the child to all their activities. You can't always depend on others for a ride and our bus system in Vancouver is not great. I was also worried about the huge responsibility it was to care for a child.
My only concern with being childless is who will help me in my elder years? My mother cares for her elderly father, but who will help me? Although, having a child is no guarantee they will be able to help you in your elder years. They may not even live in the same town as you.
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You have to wonder, or at least I do, how many people that state environmental and cultural reasons for not having children, would actually want them if these were not issues? Are there any people out there with a desire to have children who are truly not having them because they think it will save the planet? I kind of doubt it. As alluded to above, are these same eco-child-wanters adopting instead?
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I used to want to have my own biological children and many of them. However, as I have grown up and matured, I have decided not to bear children for a myriad of reasons. Refraining from reproducing is the biggest way for people to mitigate climate change. By not having children, you can cut the reproductive cycle of creating humans who necessarily leave carbon footprints in the world-- especially the case for Americans, whose carbon footprints are disproportionately large compared to other countries. Climate change is not just an environmental problem; it is a human rights problem. About 300,000 people die annually from climate change impacts.
Second, by not having children, you can begin to tame the overpopulation problem in the world, which has had drastic consequences to the environment in general. People are crowding out wildlife species, overfishing oceans, and wrecking havoc on our waterways by intense livestock rearing. There is no need to add to this mess.
Third, not bearing children opens up your world to adoption. Plenty of children need loving homes.
Despite these compelling reasons, my family has pressured me into reproducing. "The world needs smart people like you to have children to solve these problems." "With adoption, you just don't know what problems you're going to get." "We want grandchildren." My response is usually to point out the problems with this logic. A lot of smart people have existed in this world and we still have a ton of problems. My theoretical kid isn't the solution. Humans have caused climate change. Adding another human isn't going to help. Punting our problems to a new generation is irresponsible. You cannot guarantee the health of your biological child either. My parents can have adoptive grandchildren.
Had my parents and their ancestors left me with a healthy, functioning world, I'd probably embrace the idea of bearing children. But I cannot close my eyes to the problems humans have caused. Especially in light of impending catastrophic climate change, having children is irresponsible.
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I've been married to my wife for over a decade and we dated years before that. Early on, neither of us wanted kids but left the door open for years, should one of us change our mind. We have not and I cannot imagine we will.
The pressure from society to reproduce is stunning. When we first bought a house and got a dog, the question of when we'd also have a baby was of the most common of occurences. It's amazing how it's socially acceptable and that because some of us choose to not have kids, it's worthy of an entire hour of radio. I think the topic should be "Kids: What's the Obsession?"
We are being asked to tell how we chose to not have children. We didn't. We just never chose to have children. Have our thoughts changed over time? Little. There are thousands and thousands of children even here in Oregon with parents who lack the ability to parent. Without kids, imagine how we can help them. That was the thought then, that is the thought now (though with careers and hobbies, we're not there yet)
The final thought: how did we deal with pressure? In a fashion I felt was equally inappropriate to the questions or pressure. "We'll have kids as soon as it's socially acceptable to leave them in the yard all day with the dog." Of course, the dog doesn't stay outside anymore anyhow.
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> I think the topic should be "Kids: What's the Obsession?"
frank, that is awesome! i hope OPB will air that one.
followed by, "White Males: What's it Really Like to Be the Most Entitled and Richest People in America?"
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I have chosen to remain childless because I value and prioritize my relationship with my wife. I have observed many – if not most – parents promoting their relationship with their child and in the process, subordinating their relationship with their partner. Moreover, I have chosen my partner. I know her and I love her. If I had a child, their personality is an unknown entity, how would I know I would get on with my child, or love them as much as my wife? That is quite a gamble and given the low statistical possibility of my child and I having cohesive personalities, unlikely that I would be happy with the outcome. Why would I want to risk my wonderful relationship with a partner who is perfect for me for an unknown relationship with a child?
Lastly, even with a dual graduate-degree household, there is no way we could afford to meet a child's needs with our incomes. It seems foolish to add additional financial stress to a household.
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I am 52, and only for about 10 minutes of my life when I was 36 did I consider having children with my husband of 2 years. Shortly after that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had chemo, and that was the end of the possibility. I felt mostly relief. He did too.
Being the child of an alcoholic, mentally ill mother left me with a bad image of motherhood, and emotional issues I still deal with. I had no role model that made it seem enjoyable, joyful, or something that would enrich life for anybody. I never made a conscious decision not to have kids, and didn't have any pressure whatsoever from my family, friends, or spouse, so I didn't have to defend it, or even think about it much.
I have never had a maternal feeling toward any child, nor could I picture myself as a mom--rather, kids have always made me feel vaguely uneasy--which is pretty much how my mother reacted to children.
It was my feeling all along that motherhood should be left to those who felt certain they could love a child fully, who would be more worthy a candidate than I felt I was.
In retrospect, I wish I had given the subject more purposeful thought and consideration, but I have no regrets now about being childless.
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My husband and I have chosen to be childless. I have never wanted to have children either. I got a lot of pressure from my mother for years until she read an article of childless women. It made her realize that children are not the only thing that makes a women whole. She has never said anything again.
There are two main reason. First, as a child, I was raped and even after therapy, I do not believe that I could ever leave my child with a babysitter. I do not want to bring a child into this world that would have to have restrictions that are a result of my insecurities. (In addition, I would have a hard time carrying a child due to medical issues.) Second, I have a wonderful life with my husband and we enjoy our friends, our friends kids and our family. We are a bit selfish and do not want to change our lifestyle as would be needed to have children. We're able to travel anywhere at anytime; we are not waiting for retirement to enjoy life. (Who knows if we'll make it...)
I do believe it is rude for people to ask why you do not have children. It is a very personal decision. And especially for a stranger to ask or say you are missing out, it utterly rude and inconsiderate. I tell people I'm unable to have children and that stops them the conversation. Also, I sometime just let people know that it's none of their business. People should be able to have children or not, adopt or not, without judgement from society.
One comment made to me about not having children was "so who will take care of you when you get older." I thought to myself if that's the reason to have children, she will be extremely disappointed. No one knows, first, if your child will out live you or where in life your children will go.
I do hope that people do not put down childless women/couples. We have so much to contribute to society in different ways. We should be allowed to have the diversity in our society to assure that people learn from many persectives. I look forward to tomorrows conversation.
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My wife and I have chosen to not reproduce because the earth is presently over populated. Unchecked population growth is unsustainable. We considered adopting but have elected to not do so. We feel that we are better equipped to make an impact on a child's life by participating in active social programs such as Big Brothers Big Sisters or just being available and engaging in the lives of our friend's children and our many nieces and nephews. We feel that parenthood would simply be an ill fit for us.
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When I was in high school it was clear to me that the last thing we needed was an even bigger population. Besides, I was an average kid from an average family, with average skills and talents; it was unlikely that I would produce anything but an average child. It was also clear to me that we did not need more mediocre people. So deciding not to have children was easy -- the negatives greatly outnumbered the positives.
I had a tubal ligation when I was 26 and have never regretted my decision. Now, 30 years later, I'm dismayed that so many young Oregonians are having multiple children. I'm alarmed at how many people claim to be concerned about the environment and global warming issues, yet instead of reducing their carbon footprint are mulitplying it by having children.
Instead of larger numbers of average people, it's even worse than I predicted... a burgeoning population of unthinking and uncaring breeders.
--Ann
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I got married in 1976, fully intending, with my then wife to have a family. Graduate school interceded, resulting in divorce in 1981, and life brought me to now, being 58 years young, with no wife, no family. Not exactly happy with that outcome, and sometimes would still hope to change it, but life does have unanticipated twists.
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There are a lot of grey areas between Kicking up Your Heels Child Free, or Child Free by Conscious, and Heart Broken Infertile. I'm glad that people are starting to talk about this.
I consider myself childless or child free, depending on the day, whether or not someone has turned their back on me for answering "No" to the ubiquitous question, "Do you have children?"
I don't, because of circumstances -- which includes root family situation (coming from a family that over-reproduced, which gave me scarce nurturing and financial/educational resources) -- my own choice of partner, a health situation that affected my money situation/quality of life.
Because I grew up with two very wonderful childfree/less role model aunts, I never thought this was going to be the end of the world. The private loss is something I can deal with -- but being publicly hounded, as well as alienated from my peers -- that's honestly something that I, as a child of the sixties/seventies -- didn't expect. I thought I'd be an adult in a brave new world where nuclear families weren't the only way, and people would be open minded enough discard their petty prejudices.
Some days I feel childfree -- but often it's society that makes me feel childless. I think the fertility frenzy of the past ten or fifteen years has made it more difficult to live a life without parenting. There's a lot of zealousness around this issue on both sides.
-Christina Gombar
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I got a vasectomy when I was twenty-seven. I'm 59 now, and that vasectomy is among a handful of really good choices I've made. I wanted to see what life is like without the 20+year-all-consuming demands of raising children. You simply don't get to do both. I believe a person who claims their child is the light of their life; I can't know what that is. Parents can't know the bearable lightness of being without children. My wife and I enjoy your children, and hope you teach them well.
I speak out about, write about, and volunteer for family planning (small). I can't think of one social problem that gets easier or better as we continue to grow. Oh, I know that some economists claim that falling population growth has depressed the economies of Italy, Russia, and France, but please, we blame parents for a lot of things, blaming parents for the failure of a national economy is over the top.
I'd like to see genetic testing be used to match all fatherless children with the birth-father, then put that man on the hook for the child's food, clothing, and every school book.
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Hey people who chose not to have children should get nice big tax credits! Why on earth does the government give tax credits for people who have children? Do they want to be assured of more soldiers to fight in future wars?
I chose not to have children because I did not want to exploit anyone, didn't have the right partner, did not have a supportive family background, developed health problems that could have been passed on genetically, and I thought that OVERPOPULATION was out of control, environmental destruction on the horizon, and decided to make the buck stop with myself. More time for meditating.
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I made the decision not to have children when I was just a child myself but have never regretted my choice. At the time (in the 1960's) I felt there were far to many people in the world and now overpopulation is the cause for most of our environmental problems. Yet I have to say that even in a "perfect" world I would rather be child free. I know myself and feel content with my life. However, I never felt the tic tock so many women claim to be pressured by so it was easy for me to stay childless. But I have to wonder why people continue to keep producing children when the world clearly cannot support the children we already have? Years ago I asked my partner to have a vasectomy and luckily he agreed!
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My husband and I thought long a hard about weather or not we wanted children. I don't think a majority of people actually think very hard about having kids. It seems like it just kind of happens. The craziest thing is how so many people put more thought into buying a car or an expensive TV rather than having a child. My friends say to me (in looking at baby clothes) "but look how cute. don't you want one?" As if that is the reason to have a child and raise another human being. The other question I get is, "but who is going to take care of you when you are older?" Again, that is not a good reason to have a child. There is no guarantee your child will take care of you when you are older. But there is a good chance you, as a parent, will take care of that child well into their adult life.
When I was in my 20s I thougth I wanted children. But as I started nearing 30 and really enjoyed my "me " time and my "couple time" and basically all time, I stared to wonder if I really wanted kids or did I think I wanted kids b/c that is the "natural" progression of life. One grows up, gets married, and raises a family. But once I reached 30 and actually started to think about all the work involved in raising a human, I began to question if having kids was something I wanted or did society's norms have something to do with that thinking.
Once I started to question that and really think about if raising a person is something I wanted, I realized I didn't want to take on the commitment. Plus I feel the world is overcrowded already. If I feel the need to help a child I can always adopt or help one that is already in need. I do not feel the overwhelming need to procreate.
I would have to say most people with kids envy the time my husband and I have. We can travel when we want, sleep when we want, and be alone when we want. I love kids, but other people's are better b/c I can give them back. We have a dog and cat too and we treat them as our babies.
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I love this comment. My cousin (childless by choice) was asked by a friend when she and her husband were going to have children. My cousin said "not for a good while - if ever". Her friend actually said "We had ours early and got it out of the way"!! My cousin's quick and intelligent response was "If I felt that way I definitely would not ever have a child." Just speaks to the idea that people believe having kids is part of the "natural progression" rather than a conscious decision.
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My boyfriend of 20 years, and I decided early in our relationship that we weren't very interested in having children. But we always left the option open, in case we changed our minds. The reasons early on mostly had to do with being so madly in love with each other that we didn't want to share. And we didn't want the growing up that comes with children. The US growing up. Things never changed. After 20 years we are still madly, and maybe selfishly in love. And everyone's argument for? We'd be such great parents. And we would have been, but that certainly isn't reason enough for a child. We have always wanted to have the freedom to do what we want, when we want, and that's okay. I rarely have fleeting moments of "what if?", but I'm serene and content with the choices we made. He's my life and I'm his, and that makes for a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. We're happy, why mess with a good thing?
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All of the problems that this world is facing are a direct cause of too many people. Everything gets worse as the population increases. Education becomes harder to get, crime increases, pollution increases, habitat destruction increases. Until we address this problem this planet is destined for a painful destruction.
As a third child I felt like I had to take the step to not add to an exponentially increasing population. Anyone who has more than to children is exponentially increasing the human population. So I felt like if I was going to have a child in my life then I would adopt a child from the millions of orphans and abandoned children instead of making another child.
Humans must make the steps to stop population growth with incentives for fewer children, free sterilization, and free adoption for those who feel like they have to have children in their lives.
Population growth cannot continue forever. When will we say enough is enough? According to most scientists and other experts who study population we are actually way beyond the true carrying capacity of the planet. When will we make the steps to stop population growth and then reduce and stabilize our population to a carrying capacity which has higher quality life for everything living on this planet?
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I am childless for a variety of reasons but I usually tell people that instead of having children I got a graduate degree. I've lived with the judgment of a society that believes that childlessness is abnormal and am grateful that you are hosting this discussion.
I grew up when Zero Population Growth was a serious movement, but obviously that wasn't a lasting idea. However, it left me cringing every time I see a family with 3, 4, 5 or more children. Not having children is the best thing an individual can do have the smallest possible environmental footprint. That's why I've developed a proposal for a change in our tax structure. Currently, parents get a $1000 tax deduction for each child. Acknowledging the need to maintain a viable workforce I would suggest that "replacement children", i.e. 1 child per adult, would be tax neutral. A couple with 2 children would not pay extra for their kids. Adults who produce more than their replacement child would be taxed $1000 per child. Those of us without children would receive the tax deduction, perhaps $1000 per year. Initially, it would increase our tax revenues until people stop having extra kids-this could pay for health care for all those kids. Either way, I would no longer be subsidizing other people's over-reproduction.
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it is actually $1500 i recommended to my rep to lower this to pay for better schools and he stated that it would not happen and they may increase the tax credit
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I agree with many people, when looking at the world times, these are critical times hard to deal with. Our children today deal with more things at an early age than ever before. It really takes dedicated parents to raise a child decently. At age 27 I am just coming into my child bearing years, but I choose instead to mentor the youth that are already here. So many children are orphans both physically and emotionally. I know in my heart, I'll find my children amongst these.
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To everyone else who has decided to be child free I thank you for being selfless enough to realize that we are in dire straights and must change or watch our selves perish
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A quote I recently read I think is quite nicely represents a topic many people shy away from in public discussion. "Today, it is difficult to see the love we feel for innocent, bright-eyed, smiling babies as a major cause, by way of overpopulation, for some of humanity's greatest ills-starvation, disease, and violence." -Anderson 2002
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I am a teacher, aunt, and wife. My first two roles require that I fully engage with kids ranging from 3-18 years old and my entire professional life has revolved around 11-18 year olds. I love kids: my nieces & nephews, and most of my students! There's a 'but'. But, my husband and I have really struggled with the extremely high cost (emotionally and financially) of adoption, should we choose to be involved with children as parents. As former wilderness rangers and people who work to protect the land and resources from continued decimation, we made our decision early on that we don't need to be parents in the traditional sense, so what about adoption, foster care?? So, adoption: we're scrutinized by ourselves, the adoption agency, and birth parents, yet we need to put forth a huge amount of time, energy, and money to MAYBE be chosen by a birth mother who reads about us on paper and says, "they're the ones for my child."?? We have barely started the process and feel so overwhelmed. As 30-somethings, we're the 'odd' ones in our families, who all started their own families several years ago, and most of our friends have children who are in elementary school already. Too many people on the planet, not enough resources including the most basic: true TLC for kids, make us think our initial concerns about people are true: too many folks just don't give enough thought prior to having children. And, we're the 'odd' ones for giving the massive responsibility of raising well-rounded, loved kids, a considerable amount of thought/concern?? We need some societal perspective shifts, and NOW. The planet, & hearts of those who inhabit it, can't sustain at this pace.
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At 28, I have never wanted children. There is so much need in the world that it feels irresponsible to create more. From the basic needs of humanity - food, clothing, water, fuel - to the needs of all other life on the planet, I don't want to add to the burden.
I wrote a nonfiction essay on the subject in last November's Externalist. Feel free to read "Without the Baby Carraige" on page 41 of Issue 10: http://www.theexternalist.com/pdfs/IssueTen.pdf.
Erin Popelka
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My husband and I chose to not have children, even before we were married. We talked long and hard about it, and continue to revisit the subject on occasion. The decision has not been an easy one internally or socially. Besides being called selfish, lazy, and immature, we took grief from our families and friends for many years. But the decision to not have children of our own has helped shape us into strong, responsible thirty-somethings.
Some of the considerations that weighed into our decision included: our lifestyle, our own responsibility and maturity levels, the effect on our families in positive and negative ways, and the impact on population growth (we have considered adoption also). But our final resolution was to work hard at being the best aunt and uncle around. We are able to babysit our sisters' and friends' children. We have a play room in our home for them when they come to visit. As they enter their teen years, we hope to be sounding boards when they are struggling with communication at home. Inspired by other childless friends, we plan on taking them on traveling adventures. And most recently, we've been able to dedicate a lot of our time to support friends whose four-year old died from Leukemia.
The hardest lesson that I've learned about deciding not to have children, came when a friend pointed out my hypocrisy. They were in the hospital after the birth of their second child, and while everyone was asking them if they were going to have a third, I suggested that they get a vasectomy. The father seriously turned to me and said, "I respect your opinion not to have children, and I ask that you return the favor by supporting our decision to have as many as we want." Lesson learned: We can state our opinions about others' lifestyle choices, but we must first and foremost respect those decisions. You can expect that of me, and I will expect it of you.
Elisa Joy, Hillsboro
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I made a conscience decision to not have children as a teenager for two reasons. I spent my childhood between two households due to my parents divorcing when I was five. With my Mother I grew up in a mentally and physically abusive home environment. As I got older I realized that I had personality traits similar to my mother and I swore I would never allow myself to inflict those negative traits on my own children. The second lesser reason was because, throughout my life, all I ever heard from my Father and Grandmother was how, if I was smart, I would avoid having children. They obviously felt that their lives would have been better had they made a different choice. I am sure that my experience would have been different had I had children but I never wanted to take that risk. There are too many unwanted, abused kids in the world already. I was always told that I would regret my decision to not have children but my conviction only gets stronger as I get older. Now at 37 I can't wait for my biological baby clock to stop ticking. At that time people will then switch their comments from "Why? or You will regret" to "Oh, I'm so sorry you missed your opportunity". How little people understand that this is a choice I am very, very happy about.
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I've not yet had children; if I do, I will only have one. With global population adding a net 225,000 people per day, aspirations of acheiving sustainable living scenarios for the international community are impossible.
While a stabilized human population is not sufficient -- a retooled economy functioning within the capacities of our renewable ecological systems is also fundamental -- it is nonetheless one necessary prerequisite to reaching long term sustainability.
In fact, beyond population stabilization -- a core component of sustainable living scenarios -- we must work to create a cultural normality where voluntary 1 child families are dominant worldwide. This will help the international community slowly ratchet down our human population and its impact on our ecological earth systems.
There are great institutions out there doing this work: Venture Strategies for Health and Development, The Population Institute, Population Media Center to name a few. So, you can get involved if you want. I hope you do.
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Those who choose not to have children, by self-definition, make the right choice. Many of the people who do have children should have, objectively, chosen another path.
Those of us who chose to have children and who have seen their offspring grow, thrive, and launch lives of their own, have some essential knowledge about life that those who choose no children will never have. that knowledge is just different from the life experiences of those who do not know beans about children or parenting because of their total lack of experience.
As to various social benefits and support for families and children, is there a better use of public money and power than to help the next generation be healthy, educated, and capable? I think not.
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I think there is like green energy, or continued education for the people that are here, or just increasing everyones quality of life. Children are the bane of our planet.
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I am a parent of three little boys, and being a mother was something I chose to do after the relatively footloose and fancy-free years of my early- and mid-twenties. I empathize with those who've struggled with infertility; and I honor the choices of those who've decided to focus on rewarding careers or artistic lives, instead of children; the raising of little children is too important to be forced upon those who don't truly wish to devote many, many long hours over years to their care. I also feel blessed that some loving and generous adults decide to play the role of "aunt" or "uncle"; we all need help sometime and it's great to have the community support of childless adults, too.
However, as someone who's committed to environmental change and has made a vast number of changes to my life to improve my impact on the environment -- I don't own a car and ride with my children on bikes, I only buy locally- and sustainably-raised meat and produce, among many other things -- I don't agree with the theory that the responsible choice for the world is to go child-free (or that people must stop at two children apiece; the repopulation rate is more like 2.2 or 2.3 children, *someone* has to have that extra kid!). Unless you believe that humans shouldn't exist on the earth, our biological imperative is to continue to populate the world at some level, even if that level is far different from the one we're living now; and if you're enlightened enough for that to be a huge concern for you, shouldn't *you* be the one having children and raising them in a way that teaches them how to tread more lightly on the planet; to improve our environment (by being farmers, or by teaching others how to consume less, or to become artists or craftsmen or scientists or conservationists or sensible leaders) instead of strip it? Humans have found it necessary to reproduce for millennia, and while progress has been destructive, surely these responsible people who consider their impact on the world are just the ones to reproduce.
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meat is not sustainable
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Thanks for having that extra kid for me... I only want two and I was worried abouty that .2 kid.
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I am childless, but have a stepson, both by choice, yet never whine about my taxes supporting those with kids, however I feel we should therefore be compensated with preferential treatment when it comes to lines in the grocery, lanes on the highway, parking spaces nearer to the mall? Sound radical? Well, look at all the preferences given to those with kids (parking spaces reserved for pregnant mothers for example) not to mention the money necessitated to heal our environment, necessitated by the need to support more people.
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I decided around 15 that I did not need to have children, and carefully reconsidered that decision every five years or so until I was 45, without changing it. Altough it got harder as I got older, just because I did not like losing the option to change my mind, the choice never changed.
I also know that I was never opposed to having children, if the relationship or circumstances were right for them, but that didn't happen. Thankfully, I had no family pressure to the contrary.
I always understood that I would regret the decision at times, the same way I would have regretted the loss of freedom and independence if I HAD changed my mind. But you can only choose one path and there is always some regret for the path you didn't choose ... more now that I'm in my 50s. As I expected, I regret not having adult children more that the babies, toddlers, tweens and teens.
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My wife and I chose not to have children for many reasons, but the main one for me is that there are too many people and with our dwindling resources, I feel it would be a further strain on society to bring more people into the world. Some of the other reasons are expenses and being able to experience more in life like travel and socializing.
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Lots of little babies are born to single mothers who feel they're making a real contribution to society by not having an abortion. Since the anti-abortion movement has made such a big deal about women and girls going ahead and delivering babies, it has become popular for some girls to have a baby, just because. Now 40% of babies in the country are born to single women. I'm 65 and happily childless, although a stepmother. I've watched Oregon become overun with people and it's difficult for me to get excited when someone else announces a "blessed event".
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Our society assumes everyone will have or want to have kids. However, not everyone has the active biological clock. Not only did I not - and never felt (52 now) - the clock, I also chose not to have kids, chose not to add to overpopulation, and admitedly am selfish in my lifestyle. I never felt pressure in my 20s or 30s, and lived with a guy in my 20s who also did not want kids.
I do love being an aunt! And I'm hoping they might want to do a little to help me when I'm older and need help.
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Thank God OBP has brought up this issue!! Regardless of the reasons we choose to remain childless, (for myself I choose not to have children for reasons of global overpopulation AND because I don't want the resposbility) I wish people with children didn't feel pity toward me for the desicion my husband and I have made. If I have to hear, "you'll change your mind" or "well you're still young" one more time I might scream.
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For most of my life society has been screaming about overpopulation problems, and urging my generation not to have children. Now we have economists complaining that there won't be enough working age people in the western world to support the large numbers of workers getting ready to retire. Indeed some commentators are now complaining that childless couples are being selfish for not helping to raise the next generation of workers. Personally, I'm ready to tune out the experts.
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BTW, the weirdest part of the decision not to have children was the thought that, for millions of years, from the first spark of primordial life (or Adam and Eve if you are a creationist) something or someone managed to survive at least long enough to reproduce successfully, in an unbroken chain right down to me. And because of where and when I am living, I can just say, "Nah, I don't want to," and deliberately break the chain.
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I agree, children are at this stage in history a mixed blessing. 100 years ago having children was part of your retirement plan. Grown children would care for you in your later years, provide a family home, and help you financially. Now there is no such filial responsibility.
As parents we love our children and want them to never grow up or leave. Careful of what you wish for. Adult children are flocking back to the nest after a few years in the real world and a depressed economy. They bring their own children and grandparents are having raise their grandchildren.
I think in modern times, an elderly parent is lucky to get a phone call a week from a busy grown child, and maybe dinner once a year. Very few parents can depend on adult child for any type of financial assistance or chronic care. Children are more of a parasite that keeps on needing from newborn to their own retirement. The generational transfer is one way and unfortunately never ending
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This must be based on your own experience, as mine is entirely different. I took care (happily) of my own mother in her last years of life, and I have several aunts and uncles who have also been taken care of by their children. Willingly and with love. I hope I have instilled the value of helping those you love into my own two children. However, I did not choose to have children as a part of a "retirement plan"!
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Regarding the issue of childless people "paying" for other people's kids through tax breaks for families, paid parental leave, etc. There are a couple of issues here; the first is motivated by self-interest. If we don't support the next generation of children, who will be our doctors, our political leaders, our librarians/teachers/police and firefighters, just to name a few, as we age and the next generation continues to shape society?
The second issue is the more abstract philosophical argument that we are all obliged, as human beings and members of society, to look out for and care for one another, whether we have children of our own or not.
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efschwartz ~ i was on the program today and i think we discussed the tax credit issue. i didn't get a chance to say: i COMPLETELY agree that we should support our society's children. as my co-guest, Patrick, noted, as a society and body politic, we're generally way more likely to support child-related causes than adult ones. the problem there: disadvantaged adults not only face their own personal misery, but in turn pass on disadvantaged problems to their children --- and like you said, if we're just being self-interested about this, it ain't good for society in any way.
i'm an ardent supporter of education and social services. i vote for every school bond, library funding measure, and the measly amount Oregon devotes to higher education. however, getting a tax break for having children isn't actually *fair* if you think about it. one person chooses to express their innate creativity by making another life. another chooses to make a poem. you gonna give me a tax credit for my poem? didn't think so.
this implies that i and my contributions to society are inherently less important than those who chose to have children. and that's discrimination.
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Ms. Brown, you need to learn the difference between discrimination and policy.
Many laws discriminate between people. Laws against murder discriminate between those who have ended other's lives and those who have not. The tax code discriminates between people who have children and those who do not. It also discriminates between those who make $1,000,000 and those who make $10,000. Simply because a law discriminates between people does not make it bad.
Your objection to the exemption for children is not that it is "discriminatory," it is that you think it is bad policy to subsidize parents' child rearing through offering them a small tax write off for each child that depends on them.
I really object to your equation of child bearing and poetry. Poems, once created, do not cost thousands of dollars to care for. They do not suffer if mistreated or impoverished. They do not die if you don't feed them.
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I have a wonderful 7 month old and know this was the best decision for our family. However, I completely respect and am even thankful to those people who have decided to remain childless in this overpopulated and uncertain world.
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Having children is not 'right' or 'wrong' in any meaningful way, nor should it be used to divide groups into the allegedly 'responsible' and the allegedly 'irresponsible'. Someone clearly has to have the children for the human race to continue. To make a claim on either side as being on a moral higher ground is unsupportable.
The camp that speaks about population concerns has a flimsy argument. And any widespread application that goes further then simply saying 'for me this is the right decision' and tries to suggest a childless way for others, opens the door on all kinds of problems. Not only that, but if the self-proclaimed responsible are not having children, that means all the families in the world will be headed by irresponsible parents, which would result in a world of over consuming conservative families. How does that make any responsible sense?
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Thank you! Assuming that one's own life choices should be applied to the rest of the population is dangerous for so many reasons.
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I am really over people thinking that I'm selfish because I don't want (or even like) children. On the contrary. Because I know my priority is career related, I think I'm the opposite of selfish. I see children born for all the wrong reasons. Its not all about YOU and your wants and needs. Your children are their own people. When you bring them into this world --it's all about THEM. That's the choice you made. That's true selflessness.
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Hi, I am a childless baby boomer. I did not get married until I was 38. My not having children was not so much a choice as it was just what happened. My concern is that I am being asked to pay for the education and health care of todays children. I am sure that they will decide to not support me in my retirement. Social Security will soon go away and I will be left out in the cold. When I went to school, my parents generation paid for my education. When I joined the work force I paid for my parents generation's retirement and health care. That was the only right thing to do. I believe that this quid pro quo has worked and should continue. Jim, Hillsboro, Oregon
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jim, i think the next generation(s) --- including me, i'm a Gen X'er --- will continue to support social security.
are you also opposed to paying for education for adults, healthcare and Medicare for adults, and programs for the elderly?
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as a husband in a willfully childless couple, i feel, as the man, that when we tell people, they assume that it's my decision, and that i have somehow pressured my wife into not having children (because everyone assumes all women want children), where, if anything, she feels more strongly about it.
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Hi, I am a childless baby boomer. I did not get married until I was 38. My not having children was not so much a choice as it was just what happened. My concern is that I am being asked to pay for the education and health care of todays children. I am sure that they will decide to not support me in my retirement. Social Security will soon go away and I will be left out in the cold. When I went to school, my parents generation paid for my education. When I joined the work force I paid for my parents generation's retirement and health care. That was the only right thing to do. I believe that this quid pro quo has worked and should continue. Jim, Hillsboro, Oregon
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It really bothers me that you phrase it as "choosing NOT to have children" as if having children is de facto. Being childless is de facto as we all start off there. Others make a decision TO have children. That is the choice, not being childless.
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I worry that the divide between child/childless people with regards to work issues, obscures a larger problem. Women pick up not only childcare, but also care of other family members and in some cases friends and neighbors. Maternity leave is important, but so is the time one might spend with a dying parent or sibling. Work has become inhospitable to people caring for others and the debate around children can often be counterproductive to these larger issues.
Another issue that seems to be obscured in the discussion around taxes and environmental issues is societal reproduction. Whether or not you have children, it benefits you that people do have children. The economy needs people to reproduce, that's how the economy grows and how retirement benefits get paid.
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Most of our friends have children and the further my husband and I get into our late 30’s (aka “the age of no return”), the more they vocalize their belief that we are making a mistake by not having children. Phrases like “you have no idea how wonderful life can be” and “you’ll never love anyone as intensely as you’ll love your own child” are becoming increasingly frequent. There are times when it actually feels like they are trying to lure us into the world of parenthood because of their own jealousy of our freedom.
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Please don't listen to them. I found that people did that to us as well. There are many, many, many very difficult, trying, and heartbreaking aspects to parenthood. Yes, kids can be fun and wonderful, but it is extremely difficult work to be a parent.
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you know what is funny to me - people often tell my wife and i that it is such a selfish decision to not have children, but when asked why we should have children we are often told that "you just will never know the joy of having a child, and watching it grow up..." but isn't having children in order to make yourself happy - at the expense of the environment, etc. - an even more selfish decision?
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I agree with you entirely.
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I'm in my 60s and child-free--partly by choice, partly by circumstance. I never felt much pressure from family or friends when I was younger, but NOW--the implications of being GRANDchild-less are looming. Proud and induglent grandparents are far more annoying than anyone was during "child-bearing" days. . . and--socially--I feel more out-of-the-loop. Interesting. . .
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prof, i've heard this a great deal in my various conversations and research on this subject. even people who did have children, but not grandchildren, have trouble with it.
just yesterday, i had coffee with a woman (perhaps in her early 60s?) who gets tears in her eyes, everyone shoving their grandchildren's photos in her face when she's grieving for the grandchildren she is unlikely to have, and grieving for her own children who are infertile.
i'm wondering: when does it become socially acceptable for non-parents and non-grandparents to ask for some sensitivity? or ask that their friends join them in a non-grandchild-related discussion?
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My partner and I are childfree, not childless, by choice. We chose not to increase the biological burden on the planet, and further tax the limited resources. In addition, as I am a Transwoman, I never had a uterus, and made the conscious decision not to "bank" sperm before becoming liberated from my testicles.
Penny From Eugene
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It is interesting that there are those who claim to be environmentally sensitive are choosing to not have children but are choosing to have pet dogs. How can one justify the tradeoff? Dogs may have less environmental imact than a kid but there is still a significant impact. It just seems like a contradiction to me.
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I am a stay at home mother of three. However, I do not feel that parenthood is the end all be all of human existance. I had my children in my twenties, and now in my thirties I can look at what a selfish decision having children really is. As for using public money to care for children, of course I believe we should. The same way I think public funds should be used to support al members of a community. I think of it the same way I think of elder care. Even if my parents have managed to provide for themselves as they age, I would never question using public funds to care for other aging members of our population. When we care for, and take care of each other we create a better society regardless of whether we are directly connected to those we care for. I also find the child obsession in our culture rather appalling. I'm always embarassed when I hear one of my child free friends asked when they are planning changing that. However, I think the statement that children are the bane of our planet is equally as appalling. Mean, selfish, evil, greedy people are the bane of this planet regardless of their age.
I also found the discussion about workplace privilages to be interesting. I think the lesson there is that the breeders and the child free should unite to make sure that none of us is so enslaved to our jobs that we are not able to attend to those things in our lives that need us and/or bring us joy.
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If life is so bad on Earth, why doesn't one just jump off a bridge. Is one so tough, such a martyr so living in this world. What about all the joy, beauty, and hope in life?
People who spend their whole lives fighting passionately for causes they belive in; economic justice, the environment, civil rights, and then choose to not have kids are saying "I give up, nothing I have learned or cared about is worth passing on to the population of my country or to the world".
What do you think would happen if everyone who (rightly) believes the health of the Earth is worse for human's impact on it, if all these people stopped having kids? The United States would become a country completely populated by those that belive it is god's will that the multiply and subdue the Earth.
Choosing voluntarily to not have kids is waving the white flag of surrender. It is forfeiting your right to have an impact on what happens to our beloved planet in the centuries to come.
-Ian
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This argument has been brought up in various ways throughout this thread, and I've heard it other places as well.
Where is the guarantee that all children of "responsible" adults will in turn have an impact for the good? Where is the guarantee that all children of parents who believe that it's god's will to subdue the earth will carry on that legacy?
The way we in the U.S. approach the use of our resources has got to change, one way or the other. It's arrogant to assume that only certain types of parents will be capable of raising kids ready to take on our legacy of problems.
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Clea,
There are few guarantees in life. There are certainly no guarantees that a given child of given parents will do anything productive or transformative.
That does not mean we should, collectively, give up.
It's fine for any person to make the individual choice not to have kids. For those same people, though, to judge others for their decision to have kids ignores the fact that all of us depend on those kids for our futures.
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I wonder how many people don't want children because they haven't found the right (perfect) partner to want the children with.
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I have never been so frustrated with one of your discussions - I waited for over 20 minutes for you to reveal the phone number so I could call in, but you did not... so I must post after the show is over. I take great issue with Ms. Brown's comments that parents are "privledged and entitled" in the workplace. Obviously spoken by someone who has never spent the night in the emergency room with a sick child only to go then next day to teach a graduate-level university course having had no sleep - or litigate a court case - or perform a complicated medical procedure.
It is obvious Ms. Brown cannot possibly understand the difficulty involved in supporting young children while also maintaining a challenging career - I am a professor. My tenure demands do not slow down because my children are up at night or ill or have extra-curricular activities or parent-teacher conferences. It's publish or perish in academia. I'm astounded that Ms. Brown can make such a misinformed statement so boldly - for a woman today in any career, juggling children and work demands is highly stressful.
And to think she could possibly compare leaving work to attend to a sick child with a child-less person leaving work to go to band practice is absolutely ridiculous... attending to a sick child is NOT how a person expresses their "creativity". I have to say I actually felt furious when I heard Ms. Brown's comments, but then had to check my emotions because she truly has NO IDEA what she was talking about!
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"-attending to a sick child is NOT how a person expresses their "creativity"."
Respectfully, I question this. Perhaps attending a sick child is not an ideal example of a creative act, but making the choice to procreate certainly is.
I don't say this to dismiss your frustrations. I do understand that parents have demands placed on them that those of us without kids have a hard time imagining. There seems to be a great dichotomy in how we, as a culture, put parenthood on a pedestal on one hand, and then renege support for real resources for parents/kids on the other.
What I would like to see is greater equality and fairness in the workplace for both parents and non-parents to pursue whatever act of "creation" they choose.
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I'm 30 years old and my partner and I remain undecided on whether or not to have a child. I agree with many of the reasons others have listed on this forum, however a new reason has recently surfaced for me.
As many of our friends are starting to have kids, I can't help but notice that for some, it is a total cop-out. If someone hasn't reached the goals they had set for themselves in high school or college, I think it's easy for them to have kids and then blame the kids for not achieving their dreams. They then tend to sink every resource into their children in the hopes that the children will achieve their parents' dreams for them. I hear this all the time, "Well, I planned on going to medical school, but little Jimmy came along and now I work in medical billing." It's really sad to me, especially when these parents act like they are being so selfless. In my opinion, it just creates a vicious cycle.
I hear parents blame their children for all types of things, like their inability to get to work on time, maintain a healthy weight, take vacations, save for retirement, continue loving relationships with their partners, etc. It really turns me off. These kids didn't make the choice to be born, and yet they get blamed for disrupting their parents' lives.
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I took for granted that I would have children, and recognized that when I became a parent, that it would be very important to me to be the best parent possible. As such, in my mid 20s, I changed careers such that I could form a new career that would let me work flexible hours from home. I went back to school and worked hard to get to the point where I could, indeed, work independently from home.
Despite all this careful planning, now, at 38, I am not in a situation to have children. For me, marriage to a husband who wanted children as much as I did was an absolute prerequisite for starting a family. I am still single, so I no longer take for granted that I shall become a wife and mother.
My reaction has been to reassess my goals, consider going back to school and developing a more ambitious and interesting career to replace this one that I deliberately chose to be a "side" career (to the #1 role of parenting that I'd anticipated). (I would like to do something more.)
What I don't understand is the most typical reaction I get from others. People tend to respond to my story by encouraging me to find a husband, settle down, and not "give up hope" of having children. I think that my response is the more rational one, and better for everyone, especially since my original assumption that I'd have a family was just something taken for granted, based on social norms, rather than something I consciously chose.
While it's true that I feel the pain of the "biological clock" -- I'd like to think that my attempt to transcend it should be the approach that is considered more admirable, rather than all the other suggestions I get, such as to try online dating, etc., to "hunt" down a husband, in order to fulfill the biological imperative.
I know friends and family are trying to be supportive when they remind me that so-and-so had children in her 40s, but, I really, really, would prefer some support (or at least objective listening) for the new ideas I'm actually putting forth for my life. Along with the original wish to be a parent, I also always knew I wanted to be a younger parent (now no longer possible), and that if children did NOT come naturally to me, that I wouldn't want to do anything it took to have children. When others suggest I go out of my way to try to have a family, and it's to the point that these suggestions going against what I actually want, I am puzzled.
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karis, it does sound like people are trying to be helpful, but ... well, how presumptuous, if you're already doig what you want to do, now.
what i've seen, up-close, of trying to "hunt down" a husband or wife to fulfill the biological imperative:
one woman ended a global career doing charity work that affected perhaps millions of people in desperate straits, because time was running out. she married an old hometown sweetheart, hoping to have children. the courtship was short, also for this reason. she found out within a few years that he was abusive and had bouts of madness. no baby, no husband, bad situation.
another impregnated his new girlfriend because they both wanted children and she was running out of time. they had a fight, she vanished, and he spent $40,000 in attorney fees just trying to *find* her and *see* his own child.
i'm sure it ends more happily for some last-minute clock-fulfillers, but i haven't happened to see it.
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I am so glad that we have a choice now. My parents planned on two kids, but they had four (good for me, since I was the fourth). My mom talks about how naive she was, and in her niavete used an unreliable method of birth control. And my grandmothers had no choice at all. My husband and I chose to have two kids, we chose (more or less) when to have those two kids, and now we are done -- at least with that particular stage. Pretty amazing.
I can absolutely understand why people would choose not to have kids. I was in that camp when I was younger. It is really really hard work to be a parent, and involves a lot of sacrifice and worry and guilt. It makes me sad when people feel that the only way to fulfillment is through having children.
But it makes me even sadder to hear that anyone would hate children. Just because you are not a parent does not mean you can't have a positive impact on my kids. I buy into the adage that it takes a village to raise a child -- unfortunately it's hard to find that village. I want my children to learn from everyone around us, not just the other parents-with-small-children.
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Pretty interesting. I never realized there was a lot of people who didnt have children (for what ever reason)
I didnt because I knew I was unprepared to parent. And un-motivated to be prepared. Later, I couldnt. I have sibs that had grand kids for my parents. The folks still pressed me to adopt until I said "If someone doesnt want children, they are someone who shouldnt have children And that's better for the chilld, not to have a mother who didnt want to be a mother."
People OUTSIDE your decision parameters have no right to subject you to their values. That's my biggest burr.
When someone asks Why didnt you? I answer "It's not your business, but I didnt because I know (not thought) it is (not was) the right thing for me." Stated in the present tense and the affirmative closes the conversation. If someone presses, "As I said, it's not your business."
I like kids and enjoy them, but am glad I havent any. I volunteer for Big Sisters but not with a child. I do office work, because I believe in the work Big Sisters does.
My husband of then 9 years divorced me so he could have kids. That's understandable. They have 2 and are very happy. So am I.
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In the following I provide a critique of the overpopulation arguement for being childless. The dominant rationale provided is that overpopulation severly impacts natural resources, thereby resulting in irreversible environment damage. Therefore, childbirth should be restricted, as this is the cause of overpopulation.
This arguement fails to acknowledge that the increase in lifespan has a significant role to play in overpopulation. Following the logic of protection of natural resources, should not there then be "cap" on lifespan, such that people are only allowed to live to a certain age? Taking into account that the resources (on average) to maintain a 18-30 year old versus a 50+ are significantly less, and the formers potential contribution to society is far greater, should not we "swap" the 20 year olds for 50 years old? In practice, this is in much more accord to the "natural order" of the environment, than remaining childless.
Basically, the old were meant to die, and the young were meant to be born. That is how every able species survives on this Earth. It is unnatural to assume that we should not bring new life into this world, at the expense of being able live past 40. In my opinion the forsaking of youth for the elderly is the greatest selfish act dominant in Western thought today.
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I had a vasectomy at 25 for two reasons. I did not feel up to the responsibility of caring for the next generation and the world is definitely over crowded. I would only adopt if I had a successful career and gave up my addictions. As the oldest of nine I've changed my share of diapers and bandaged my share of bloody knees.
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There is a huge difference between the individual choice to have or not to have children and our collective responsibility.
The decision to have or not to have children individually is a very personal one. This is demonstrated very intensely in the comments above from folks who have made that decision. What right have any of us to tell someone else they are making the "right" or the "wrong" decision? It is the height of arrogance for any of to think we can get inside someone else's decision and make a better judgment for them.
Collectively, if we assume that the continuation of the species and our civilzation are goals we want to meet, then we have an imperitive to reproduce, and to raise further generations of healthy, productive, well-educated progeny. This is a responsibility that can only be carried out collectively. No set of parents, no matter how capable, dedicated and well resourced, can provide for all of the needs - education, health care, etc. that each and every child needs to thrive.
Like it or not, if our children do not thrive, neither will we. We are relying upon the next generation to take care of us, and, frankly, to provide the energy, innovation and inspiration to fix a lot of the terrible problems we and previous generations have caused.
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i'm having trouble posting to some of the comment subthreads above, so i'm going to make a couple posts here:
hello aldslp -- Miss Brown here. you have "no idea" what my life is like, either. as a stepparent, i have stayed home with a sick child and attended parent-teacher conferences. i've gone to school curriculum nights when the bio-parents couldn't attend. i empathize. it doesn't mean i believe that parents are morally superior to non-parents.
i felt pretty queasy about it when i started hearing and reading about family/parent privilege in the culture; i didn't want to believe it because it sounded radical and mean. however, i was convinced after a while. (keep in mind, as a stepparent i do experience some of the rewards and indulgences our society gives to children and families. that's part of what raised my awareness.)
if you want to research, here's a place to start:
Cain, Madelyn. The Childless Revolution. New York: Da Capo, 2002. -- Written by a devoted mother who believes there is a social stigma and political disadvantage to being childless/childfree.
Burkitt, Elinor. The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless. New York: Free Press/Simon & Schuster, 2000. -- This one is pretty shrill, but packed with facts.
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you are welcome to feel furious about my comments. however, you shoudl recognize that by expecting everyone (co-workers, taxpayers, etc) to prioritize your child and your parental needs, you suggest that YOU and YOUR OFFSPRING and YOUR CHOICES are inherently superior to those of non-parents.
how do you suppose that makes non-parents feel? like we're being discriminated against and belittled. you think someone's devoted life choice to make music is "ridiculous?" i know people who have sacrificed lucrative conventional careers, the ability to have children (whom they couldn't offer a financially and geographically stable home), and sometimes the opportunity for marriages (because their partners wanted a more stable life) in order to make music. imagine a life without music. someone has to be dedicated enough to devote their lives to composing, touring, and recording. that musician deserves as much respect, admiration, and understanding as a devoted parent does.
if someone wants to devote their life to art, social change, fighting malaria in Africa, or being a parent, *all* these people deserve our support. right now, the situation is unbalanced because parents are in the majority, and non-parents are a minority.
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and finally:
that's generally how entitlement and privilege work. the people with the entitlement and privilege start out surprised or incensed that other folks feel mistreated or taken advantage of. just look at the women's movement that has made it possible for you to be a mother, litigator, and faculty all at once. many men *still* think sexism isn't relevant or doesn't really exist in America. despite the 80 cents women make to the man's dollar, some guys don't see how entitled they happen to be. hard to believe, isn't it?
in the 1960s and '70s, women challenged the norm, the majority. they challenged the entitlement and privilege that were so intricately woven into the whole fabric of society that most people---especially the privileged---couldn't or didn't want to even consider it a possibility. now, childfree and childless people are challenging the norm. we get flack for it, but it's a conversation our culture needs to have.
i believe that this cultural conversation will strengthen all of us, including our children's lives, once we get past the knee-jerk defensive phase.
PS: as noted above in this discussion, i completely support education and public services. i would rather have the tax break go directly to the school system than to people who chose to have children.
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I wanted to add my comments to the discussion of altering the United States tax code to give breaks to taxpayers without children as opposed to giving tax breaks to parents. Sucha tax structure is only appropriate if children are viewed as a liability to the community as opposed to an assest. I don't believe that is currenly the case in this country.
Current birth rate in America is less than the death rate. A reversal of our tax structure would likely be effective in broadening that gap as it has been in China.
Most Chinese families consist of a single child. The result is an entire generation of Chinese people with no siblings, no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. Also, because most Chinese couples want to have boys instead of girls, men out-number women in Chine 2 to 1. Chinese men often travel to Indonesia to find brides and bring them back to China.
France is currenlty suffering from the opposit problem. The gap between the birth rate and death death rate is so pronounced that they rely on immigration to maintain their population.
"Over"-population might be a "global" problem, but it is a problem very unevenly distributed around the globe. Americans consume more than their fair share of natural resources, but it is not because our population is out of control.
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I want to say that the current birth rate is NOT less than the death rate. it is almost double it. one person dies about every 12 seconds and one is born about every 7 seconds. and the population IS out of control in the US!
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I didn't want kids. LOTS of work. Not much fun. Or so I thought. For me, it came down to the purpose of life. I've found more fulfillment in parenting than I ever had in my profession, pets, pursuing full-time my personal interests, or volunteering. At times, it has challenged me and my marriage, but also made me grow and my marriage stronger. I feel my greatest contribution will be raising self-sufficient, happy, frugal, wise and respectful children who will better our world and do the same for the future. It is good to help others--many social programs are needful--but if we all came from families where we learned respect, love, compassion, work, forgiveness and how to have fun, I believe many of the worlds problems would go away. I can't solve the worlds problems. I still volunteer. And I'm doing my best to raise two little people (and having fun along the way) with the hope that goodness will only grow.
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Help with decision-making: I think a lot of people visiting the local WalMart on an Saturday afternoon just prior to school starting would have it borne in on them (so to speak) just exactly why remaining childfree is a very, very good idea.
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Exactly In the 1980's before WalMart, in Colorado, we would say, If you think about having children, justt go to a Kmart on a Saturday morning
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I was one of 13 kids in my family and helped raise my younger siblings. After my marriage to a 2nd generation Chinese man, I didn't plan on having kids since I was worried about their treatment in a society that frowned upon interracial marriages. (I'm a third generation Danish-American). I took a chance, though, and had two boys who are now successful, well-adjusted young men, but who have had many racist comments thrown their way. Unfortunately, even though the Chinese value family, my husband turned out to be a very poor father, unfaithful husband, and a deadbeat dad. Based on how my marriage turned out (and how my retirement funds were depleted), I still consider having my boys the best thing I ever did.
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I am 33 and have chosen not to have children. Growing up my husband and I did not have positive role models for parents. I did not want to make the same mistakes as our parents did. As only children, we were also concerned that with dysfunctional parents, who could we rely on for help with raising kids? We rarely got questioned in our 20's about whether or not we would have kids. As the years went by, our friends had kids, and we were happy giving them back at the end of the day. People tell me I am selfish in this thinking, however I feel it is selfish to have a child for the wrong reasons. My husband and I went through a period of time where he started to want to have kids and I still did not feel that "instinct" that most women claim to get. We talked at length for years, and we have come to an agreement: we agree to disagree. I cannot imagine having a child if both partners aren't in total agreement.
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It's fine if you choose not to have a child. Our adult daughter is married, for 6 years, and so far shows no desire to have children. That is fine. But to equate taking care of a child, investing yourself in the life of another human being, to wanting to leave work for BAND practice is beyond narcissistic. Please, at least acknowledge that nurturing another human being is more important than getting really tight in your garage band. Or at LEAST acknowledge that you can't really relate because you haven't had the experience, and that MAYBE one is more important than the other.
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lefty, i'll refer you to my comments above. i believe in the worth of people's dedication to art, music, social change, politics, and parenting, in equal measure and on equal terms. parenting is more important to *you*, because you have become a parent and created a child.
playing music is more important to my 60+-year-old friend who has devoted his entire life to playing music, from major symphony orchestras to soundtrack composing, from touring musicals to free jazz. i do not consider his devotion to music "narcissistic."
personally? i stopped playing live for a few years because my stepchild formed a band, and i wanted to give her the space to explore that territory without us creepily playing the same clubs or something. that was my choice. now i'm back to playing music. this doesn't render someone else's decision to play music with thorough dedication 'narcissistic.'
one man's narcissism is another man's dedication. go figure.
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You know, this is just, boiled down to its essence, an argument about moral relativism and whether or not there are absolutes. I'm sorry, when playing jazz music becomes the equivalent of parenting, well, I'm honestly surpised I even have to make the comparison, even to those influenced by the "Me" generation. Having a hobby, an interest, even a passion, is a positive and laudible value. But has Maslow-ish thinking so infected our parents and us that we view one equal to the other? The best analogy I can think of is, (admittedly, a bit of an extreme example, but not THAT much) one person bends over to pick up a piece of litter and disposes of it properly, another flies to Haiti and feeds orphans displaced by an earthquake. Both are good things. Both should be encouraged and add value to society. They are not, however, equal in value, nor are they anywhere near equal in commitment.
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Wow, I was shocked by the comments I heard in this program. As a mother to a 7-month-old, I have not noticed any "privileges" being bestowed on me because of my status as a parent. In fact, I find myself somewhat more limited in my choices of activities - for instance, I can't bring my daughter to a No Minors Allowed location to participate in the weekly trivia games. This is just a pretty unimportant example, but in general I think that our society is set up in such a way that is fairly unfriendly to families. Maybe this is because I am a new parent and haven't yet discovered all the family-friendly venues, activities, and restaurants, but so far I've felt more restricted than privileged. Someone please enlighten me, what are these privileges that I'm missing?
*I didn't hear the whole program so sorry if this was discussed in much more detail. I will listen to it now.
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Simply put, having a child is the greatest opportunity for personal growth and selflessness possible. If you really feel you are too selfish to have a child, then great, please avoid doing so. That is very responsible of you. However, children should be seen as a blessing, not an inconvenience as they so often are seen in our society.
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I dont feel I'm too selfish to not have a child. Some times people have children because they are shelfish. Takes all kinds for a rounded society. Please avoid judgemts in your comments.
Thanks
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Sorry to offend you m97219, I will try to be more careful with my wording in the future.
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Having too many children is irresponsilbe. It is not a blessing to the those who have chosen to to reproduce. I enjoy my nieces and nephews a great deal, put all of my mothering "needs" that direction
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Certainly, if you are too self-centered to realize that your children are a blessing and fantastic responsibility, then you are letting down the kids and the world. That said, the current tendency for many middle class, educated people to go child free is mostly a matter of wanting a certain lifestyle that does not conform to the responsibilities inherent in the rearing of children.
However, I should have made clear my admiration for those people who happen to be child free and who put all that extra time and energy into service to humankind. I know many teachers who are child free and put an immense amount of effort and love into helping other people's children, and this is certainly praiseworthy. They are all much better people than I.
My initial point was that parenthood taught me a great deal about selflessness I would not have otherwise garnered, NOT that it made me selfless. Yet my point stands that a fantastic opportunity is being missed by those who CHOOSE to be childless, but certainly they can make up for that with other efforts for the good of humanity.
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My husband and I were married 16 years before we decided to have children. We used to preach ZPG (zero population growth) but it was really more selfish. I believed, and still do, that you shouldn't have kids until you are ready to grow up yourself. You have to be willing to put someone else's needs above your own. I wanted to have a career and in the 1970's women still felt they had to make a choice. My husband and I enjoyed the flexibility that a unit of two naturally has and explored the world and ourselves. A procrastinator, I waited for time to make the 'ultimate' decision for me but science kept pushing back the 'deadline' for safe childbearing from 30 to 35 and then to 40! My biological time-bomb went off in a mall (at 38) when a little girl toddled by. I commented "Isn't she cute". My husband just looked at me and said "Uh oh. . .".
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After my son was born, 2 weeks shy of my 40th birthday, I was overwhelmed by thoughts that I might have missed those feelings. The absolute, unconditional love that you feel for this wonderful little creature in your arms! I thought about the natural cycle of life. My Mom had just passed away and I was bringing a new life into this world. Hormonally induced . . . perhaps, but my 2 kids are now near the end of their turbulent teens and our love for them is deeper than any other imaginable connection. And because my husband and I had the bond of 'two' before kids, we will still have something to talk about after they fly the coop.
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What a great topic!
I' decided to be "childfree" at 21, and had a tubal ligation. If any of my family had issues with this, they where polite enough to keep it to themselve. However, I think they simply knew me well enough to know that this was the best thing for me. I've never been the maternal type, never had much interest in little kids, and didn't want even the slightest chance of an unplanned pregnancy. More than 10 years later, its still the best descision I've ever made. I'm not selfish, I don't consider myself environmentally superior to people with children (though I do wonder about those with more that 2 or 3 kids- there really are enough of us humans already), I just don't want any of my own. I have a neice and nephew, and more with come with time, I'm sure- I can do fun kid stuff with them. By chance/fate/whatever, my boyfriend/partner has kids (grown) with his ex-wife, so it isn't an issue for him. To me, it is just the type of person I am.
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I had a vasectomy in 1977 and have remained child-free. Running out of resources required for life on Earth is not evidence of overpopulation; it's the beginning of depopulation. Overpopulation was our problem fifty years ago when we knew a solution and had a choice.
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Comments are now closed.
I am childless by choice for the reason that I did not want to bring a child into - specifically - such a violent money-worshipping culture as we have in these United States and - generally - a world which is rapidly declining in quality of life with very little hope of improvement. Nearly every problem facing the world and the USA today has its roots in overpopulation. In fact, though most do not dare come out and say it because others can be quite abusive to you when they hear you talk about overpopulation, you can actually detect the "overpopulation causes..." in the recent special aired on PBS (created by NatGeo) "Strange Days on Planet Earth."
Countless are the times I have fervently thanked myself that I did not bring any children into this world to have to deal with the trash, offal, viciousness toward all living things, and pure sewage (literally) of two centuries of irresponsible non-stewardship of our formerly beautiful country.