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Both my mother and father died at home, having been under hospice care. I am both fortunate and blessed to have had the resources & support (financial & emotional) that allowed me to participate in their care, and to be present at their deaths.

I was my mother's primary caregiver for six weeks. Although I was not my father's primary caregiver, I was present during his last days, and did not leave his bedside during his last hours. It has been my observation that dying at home allows the dying person great comfort & dignity. Participating in a loved one's dying process helps begin the grieving process. One striking difference between my mother's and father's deaths is that my mother died in a hospital bed in her living room. My father died in his own bed, with his wife lying beside him. There was something very comforting about having him in his own, comfortable bed in his beautiful bedroom. My siblings and I all agree that if my mother had been in her own bed we would have layed beside her during her last hours.

When my father was ill, he also suffered from dementia. A move into the hospital would have been frightening for him. He would not have understood why he was in the hospital, and would have felt abandoned, lonely and afraid.

When my mother was ill, I took a leave of absence (OFLA/FMLA) from work and moved into her home. My employer and my husband & family supported my decision. I was able to use paid sick leave, according to my employer's policy.

I have never regretted my decision. Although it was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done, it was also very difficult. Many evenings felt very lonely, sitting in her house while she slept. (I was in California, my husband home in Oregon.) The days were easier, as there were people in and out all day long. Probably the most rewarding moment was when, a couple of weeks before she died, she said, "I feel so loved. I feel so safe." I couldn't have asked for more affirmation that I was doing the right thing.

By staying home to die, my parents lived their last days as fully as they were able. They were never alone, and with the support of hospice, received excellent, loving care. If it is within my power, none of my loved ones will go to a hospital or nursing facility to die. I hope my loved ones can do the same for me when my time comes. For my family and me, dying at home, surrounded by loving family and friends, is truly death with dignity.

posted 5 years, 2 months ago
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