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My dearly loved mother died on September 1st, 2007. She was smart,self-aware,still pretty,funny, happy and 83 years old. She also had been unable to breathe for 9 months. Gathered around her that morning on the sunny deck of our Portland home were all of her adult chidren who were there to speak of her life and her death and her love. She received calls from all of her grandchildren living out of the state. She promised them that her spirit would do a "fly by" when she died at 1:00pm that day.

My mother lived with my husband and me for 9 months in our care assisted by wonderful hospice nurses and social worker. Her COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease...also commonly called enphysema) had increasingly diminished her ability to breathe in ways visible to all of us who cared for and loved her. In the beginning month of hospice care she asked to begin the lengthy process of applying to the Death With Dignity process...."for the peace of mind of knowing I have a choice if I need it. I don't know if I will use it, but I want it in place." This required a lot of physical and emotional effort and determination on her part,frankly, to visit the required 3 separate doctors, fill out the paperwork, talk with a chaplain and discuss it with her family and friends. It took almost 2 months. This was not a spontaneous or spur-of-the-moment decision. There were legal requirements for many evaluations and documents.

She was never afraid once she had the process completed because she knew she was the one to make the decision of her time and manner of dying. Only she could know what it was to take hourly medications, inhalers, nebulizer breathing treatments, continuous oxygen and still feel the need to have the window open all day and the lights on all night in order to believe there was indeed "air in the room".

She could not get a single full breath. Ever. Have you run uphill until your lungs ache with the effort of trying desperately to bring in a full breath? And cannot quite get enough air to erase the fear of suffocating for lack of air? Imagine thinking constantly of finding a way to get your next breath. This is a kind of constant drowning. Not being able to get to the pool surface in time for that needed air! All day and night. Every day.

My mother lived bravely and with true grace this way for months until she asked us to support her in deciding the day of her dying. This was not easy for us. It took many tears and talks to finally "see" her tiny, gasping chest body was asking to be released. Her body was leading her home and she had absolutely no fear, no guilt, no shame or secrets from anyone as to the manner of her dying. Only love. She was asking us to love her to the end of her life. We did. She had time to give meaningful engraved simple gifts to her loved ones and have a last afternoon with her best lady friends. We had time to say all that needed to be said and forgive one another for any wounds or hurts. What a gift to us all.

Her death was joy filled and peaceful. She happily removed her oxygen tube, saying "Well! I won't need this anymore!" She smiled as we all placed a hand on her as she said goodbye with such joy. We cried, but she did not.

She looked absolutely beautiful and relaxed. Released into the "air" she so desired.

My Mother was brave and smart and funny and full of love. She showed us how to live and how to die. No fear. No shame. No guilt. No secrets.
Only love.

I learned this: Do not be afraid of death when it is time. Death with dignity can truly be achieved. We must be allowed to make this ultimate decision for ourselves without fear, secrecy or guilt. There is a loving energy that will lead us into dying peacefully and we should be allowed to make that compassionate choice in our country under a carefully guided process.

My mother said many times, "I am so grateful to live in Oregon where this is possible."

posted 4 years, 7 months ago
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