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Hi,

I am still impacted by the suicide of my exhusband in May of 1995.

He planned this to the last detail. It amazes me that he had moved out of his apartment, put all of his belongings in storage with neatly typed labels about who was to get what he left behind in boxes and no one knew what he was doing. He had a will and he mailed his wallet to his best friend, a lawyer telling him that if he received the wallet then it meant he was deceased. His best friend knew who to contact to locate his body.

He used the popular books on How to Kill Yourself as a manual for what he did. When I saw the 2 How- to- suicide books on the ironing board at the storage facility I wanted to rip those books and start a campaign to have the books banned.

In his note he stated he loved our dog and he loved me.

When I first learned that he had moved out of his apartment and his phone was disconnected the week he had started his journey to the Alvord Desert, I was alarmed but I didn't want to seem like the meddling ex wife. I contacted his friends who told me he probably got a job in a different state and moved. The National Guard where he worked didn't notice anything unusual.

He drove to the Alovrd desert and shot himself in the head. I am still deeply affected by his suicide. I go from feeling like I contributed to his depression, to believing that if I love another person that person will kill himself because there is something wong with me.

I play it over and over, the last time I saw him and will always wonder what would have happened if instead of saying goodbye after he took me out to see the movie "Outbreak", I had walked back towards him and told him I still loved him. Because when we parted his eyes were wet with tears and I think that was the night he was telling me his goodbye. I will never know.

Time does ease the pain of his loss, nothing can replace the loss of a soulmate. My friends didn't understand how I could grieve so deeply for someone whom I was divorced from for over 2 years. He was my soulmate and it feels like I let him down.

I am told I am not to blame. Some days I can almost believe that. I'd like to believe it.

posted 4 years, 4 months ago
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